Assimilate or Be Punished: My Multiply NeuroDivergent School Years - They Called it Bad Behavior; It Was Unmet Needs
The Color of My Compliance: They Tried to Beat the Autism Out of Me; They Only Beat Me Down - an Autistic ADHD (AuDHD Journey)
Growing up, I had the "kind of Autism" that was loud, disruptive, and distracting. I wasn't the type to blend in and assimilate (even when I desperately tried to).
My "flavor of Autism," enhanced with combined type ADHD, was (and still) tends to lean towards the hyper-active, always asking questions and impulsive side. To round me out, I also have a good dose of anxiety sprinkled in.
At home, before starting school, my individuality (wanting to wear costumes and face paint in public), curiosity (always asking "why?" about everything), boldness (and not understanding when I wasn't wanted around), boisterous nature (constantly spinning on and bouncing off furniture and vocally stimming), difficulties (inability to stay still and quiet and meltdowns when stressed), quirks (like being afraid to get myself out of the bathtub because I was convinced I would slip and die), and gifts (like teaching myself to read when I was 1.5 years old and being good at computers when I was very young) were viewed (at home) with love, curiosity, compassion, and occasional admiration.
Unfortunately, those I met in school didn't share this fondness or understanding.
Our schools regularly make unreasonable and developmentally inappropriate requests of children, like asking kids to sit still in chairs for more hours a day than I can even now as an adult.
In school, when I failed to "behave" (by not staying seated and quiet in my chair, failing to remember to wait to be called on, or being "caught" not paying attention), I received a strike, and my "behavior tag" was changed to a new color (from green to yellow, to orange, and then to the dreaded RED).
Another thing that really upset my teacher was when I asked a question that she thought I should know the answer to (or thought was not a "good" question)... or if I asked too many questions.
It was always hard for me to know which questions were "forbidden" (and would instantly send me to the hallway), which were okay, and which would result in a "tag change."
Eventually (despite my curiosity), in my desire to avoid trouble, I decided that "not asking questions was best" for my safety.
Three strikes in one day resulted in the loss of recess, and with four strikes, my guardians would be called and told of my "bad behavior."
I wanted to behave but didn't understand (and could not meet) my teacher's expectations, though I tried to keep my head low and not make waves.
I have had recess taken away more days than I can count.
Because I was ashamed that I had "been bad," I never told my guardians about what was happening to me in school.
I thought I deserved my poor treatment, so I took it, internalizing the idea that I "was bad" becoming ashamed of myself.
If I had known my teacher was wrong, and not me, I might have said something at home and gotten help, but because my teacher treated me like I was "the problem" (and because I was told to "listen to and obey my teacher" and other adults), I believed it.
Despite wanting to "be good" more than anything else, I always fell short of my teacher's expectations.
As a kid, I had one job when I went to school (according to my mother and grandparents): "Be good and listen to the teacher." But most days, despite my deepest wishes and best intentions, I would fail to meet that seemingly simple goal.
Sometimes, Autism that is outwardly disruptive can be "beaten into submission" until it is "less disruptive" to the outside viewer (as mine was).
However, this can lead to increased internal disruptions—and, in my case, more meltdowns, other kinds of overload and trauma responses, as well as isolation (due to not projecting my authentic self to the world) and a lost sense of self and identity (due to being forced to separate from and be ashamed of "undesirable" parts of myself by a society that wouldn't allow me to bring my whole self to most spaces).
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I hope this helps,
- Lyric
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