Assimilation Nearly Killed Me. What If We Stopped Asking Neurodivergent People to Blend In?
The Truth No One Told Me: You Don’t Have to Assimilate to Deserve Love - What If ‘Behavior Problems’ Are Just Unmet Needs? My AuDHD Story Demands Answers.
CONTENT WARNING - BRIEF mention of past Ideation.
Reintroduction Post (because there are thousands of new people here in recent months):
Hi, All. My name is Lyric Rivera (they/them), and I started this blog over 8 years ago after being diagnosed Autistic at the age of 29 (which was quite a shock) during a mental health crisis.
A few years later, I found out I'm also ADHD, combined type (which wasn't nearly as shocking learning I am Autistic, as ADHD had been suggested for me MANY times over my life since I was very young).
My presentation was bold.
One might think (falsely) that because I wasn't diagnosed until adulthood, being Autistic and ADHD had minimal impact on my life as a young person. However, the truth is that these differences have significantly shaped my experiences and interactions my entire life (even before I had a language to describe them).
Others viewed me as "chaotic, noisy, rebellious, stubborn, sensitive, difficult, or all of the above," and I got in trouble frequently for presenting in an AuDHD (Autistic+ADHD) way, especially in elementary school (when I couldn't yet camouflage my differences… though now I can’t help but wonder about all the times I THOUGH I was blending in, but actually had failed to do so).
Another thing people get wrong, is they assume I escaped having behaviorism used on me because I wasn’t identified as a child.
In reality, BECAUSE I wasn’t identified as a child, unfair expectations were placed upon me (without proper support) and I was punished for failing to meet them.
The expectation was that I “behave” the same way my Neuro-Average peers did, leading my NeuroDivergent traits to be labeled as “bad behaviors” (instead of needs to be supported). Because of this assumption (that I was “intentionally acting up”) behaviorism was used on me heavily growing up (mostly at school).
I wanted to “behave” but was incapable of meeting the expectations placed upon me.
In school, I was frequently singled out for my 'behaviors,' which were actually signals of my unmet needs.
Teachers often used behaviorism to try to suppress my NeuroDivergent traits, but their attempts were unsuccessful (because behaviorism and punitive measures don't work well for NeuroDivergent children).
I couldn't "sit still" or "stay in my chair" because I NEEDED to move.
I couldn't "be quiet" because in my "hyped up" under-regulated state, my impulse control (which was weaker than most people my age on my best day) became non-existent.
I couldn't "look at the teacher" while she was talking IF I wanted to process the words she was saying to me (because I needed to look away so that my brain could paint the pictures that corresponded to the words my teacher said).
For everything I couldn't do (without support), I was punished, mocked, and publicly shamed by my teacher.
Instead of being supported, I was pressured to do the impossible - assimilate (something that would never be possible for a kid like me).
Yes, some NeuroDivergent People want to assimilate into the dominant society (more than anything else). Yes, SOME NeuroDivergent People may be able to achieve this task, but they shouldn't have to (if they don't want to).
What about those of us who can't assimilate? What about those of us who don't want to?
In adulthood, after years of chiseling away parts of myself, hoping to create a version of myself that would finally be "acceptable" and worthy of love, kindness, and respect (because for most of my life, I felt I didn't deserve those things from the people around me), I broke down.
I was stuck, and life began to feel hopeless. I thought I'd never "be enough" no matter what I did, so I started to plan my exit from the world... but then something happened:
I learned the truth about my brain (that I am and always have been Autistic), and it saved my life, setting me free from the expectations of "assimilation" and all I'd lost in the process.
So, that's the story of "this shirt" I'm wearing in the photo.
It is my story, but it's also the story of countless NeuroDivergent People who either don't want (or cannot) assimilate into the world we live in... because acceptance and pride are stronger than "awareness" - because I dream that one day the expectation that NeuroDivergent People "blend in" will be long gone.
Those who stand out need those who don't to help us make this world a better, kinder, and gentler place.
If you haven't grabbed your shirt yet, there are two more days to get one (though I'm open to bringing them back if enough people request them).
If you are in need of a discount, please use the button or link below to get your subscription at a deep discount (because I don't want money to be an obstacle to people):
https://neurodivergentrebel.substack.com/LowIncomeDiscount
For readers experiencing financial hardship, please note that this offer is exclusively for you. This discount is offered on the “honors system” - I am not going to ask anyone for proof.
Please, kindly refrain from taking this offer if you do not need it.
I hope this helps,
- Lyric