Autism, Memory, & Change: Why Even Good Change is Hard for Me as an Autistic Person
Part of my Autistic experience is that I struggle with changes, even those I want more than anything.
NOTE: This story shares the experience of ONE Autistic Person. Other Autistic People’s experiences may vary. This is because Autistic People are not a monolith.
Not relating to my experience doesn’t mean you’re NOT Autistic, just like there are some things in my life that even non-autistics may relate to.
We've been dealing with a lot of change lately, some we want, some we don't wish to, some good, some not so great.
Part of my personal Autistic experience is that I struggle with changes, even the changes I want more than anything.
When I tell people that I struggle with change, sometimes they respond that "everyone struggles with change," - but I don't think they understand how significant of a struggle changes are for me.
Because I struggle with memory, anxiety, and executive functioning, having a schedule and a routine is crucial to taming the chaos.
I have rituals:
I get ready every day by doing each step carefully and in order (if I miss a step, I risk throwing everything off and forgetting something).
When I would drive to work, I would leave at the same time every day, going the same route to work, navigating in the same lanes, and switching lanes at the same spots each morning.
In my mind, there is always a "best way" to do any task. There are processes that I create through trial and error that help me make the best rituals that flow nicely into my life. I've always done this since I was a young child.
Doing tasks and processes out of order feels wrong (and confusing).
When forced out of my nice, neat, perfected routines, I often make mistakes - and I know this. This knowledge and my tendency toward avoiding errors, in general, means moving away from my rituals (or doing them out of order) makes me nervous.
I cannot remember what steps I've done each morning; all the mornings blend and feel the same to me.
My brain is a paradox. While I struggle to remember day to day tasks and activities, I can remember specific events from my childhood (as far back as before I learned to speak and read at age 1.5).
I remember teaching myself to read as an infant, but my working memory is shit.
I often can't remember what I did earlier the same day or even a few moments ago (without visual reminders).
Not remembering why I walked into a room, what I was talking about, or where the "safe place" I put things is has been my normal since I was a young child.
I first realized my memory was different when I was young while watching a cartoon at my grandparent's house.
My grandmother entered the room just as the commercials had come on, startling me from my television-induced trance with a question - "What are you watching?" she asked in a friendly voice.
Though I had been deeply engrossed in a show only seconds ago, and I was reasonably sure I was enjoying myself and what I was watching, I COULD NOT remember what had just appeared on the screen before me.
"I don't know, but it's good!" I tried to explain.
"What do you mean, you don't know? Is it a new show?" she asked, probably confused (and likely suspicious) from my answer.
"I can't remember what I was watching now, but I know it was really good," I explained further.
"You're too young for your memory to be that bad!" she exclaimed in a playful, teasing voice as she turned and went back into the kitchen to finish making lunch for both of us, leaving me stuck in rumination over her words.
Was my memory "bad"? If my memory was terrible, why did I have very clear childhood memories starting back when I was still in diapers (including those I couldn't shake even when I wanted to)?
My grandmother didn't seem worried - did she? No... she was laughing. Maybe she thought I was making a joke or not being honest with her. I'm not lying.
What WAS I watching????
As an adult, in hindsight, knowing what I know now, I believe my grandmother most likely didn't believe my story, thinking I was "pulling her leg," as she used to say (or she would have been more concerned).
As a child, I took note of my grandmother's words, "You're too young for your memory to be that bad!" and decided never to mention my struggles remembering things again (until now).
I developed tools and coping skills that would help me appear to remember things I wasn't actually remembering (pretending to remember things, using context clues to find the missing information when my memory failed me, and using humor to deflect when acting as if I wasn't confused failed me).
Not remembering what you were doing minute to minute is confusing, and that's why having rituals, routines, and plans is so helpful to me. They help alleviate the confusion I live with day to day.
I've got that out-of-sight, out-of-mind problem.
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