Beyond the 'Why': Living My Truth as a NeuroQueer Individual

Letting Go of the Past: Finding Freedom in NeuroQueer Identity

I found out I was Autistic at the age of 29 and that I was also ADHD a few years later (when I was in my mid-30s). Learning the truth about my brain changed my life because it changed how I understood myself, others, and the world around me.

For the first thirty years of my life, I survived by hiding parts of who I am. This was a maladaptive coping mechanism, isolating me and preventing me from moving forward. But when the truth about my mind was revealed, I found a new path.

In my thirties, I began to question the things I did. 'Do I really want to do this?' 'Am I doing this because I want to or because it's expected?' These questions led me to realize that many of my actions were not true to myself, but rather a way to fit in.

Lyric with short red and yellow hair, sitting in a car, wearing an Autistic pride rainbow infinity tank-top several years ago.

Tip (if you want my advice): I encourage everyone to engage in this kind of self-reflection, as it can lead to a more authentic life. This is especially important if you tend to 'fawn'- a term that describes a coping mechanism where one prioritizes others' needs over their own, often to avoid conflict or gain acceptance.

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Discovering my NeuroDivergence later in life and embarking on the journey to uncover my most authentic self was a powerful experience. It involved a lot of introspection, self-acceptance, and learning to trust my instincts. This journey eventually led me to evaluate my feelings about gender, feelings I'd tried to ignore since I was 4 or 5 years old.

From a very young age, though I lacked the vocabulary to adequately explain my experience, I knew neither 'girl' nor 'woman' could accurately describe me or my experience.

When I first came out as NonBinary (GenderFluid —someone who has a fluid gender identity that can shift over time or depending on the situation) several years ago, I had already been in the public eye for several years. Because of this, my transition into becoming my most authentic self was very public. This public transition was not without its challenges, as I had to navigate misconceptions, criticisms, and harsh judgments from strangers and people I cared about.

Coming out was supposed to be a statement.

Coming out was supposed to be more about me "making a statement about myself" and "telling others who I was," but many took it as an opportunity to debate, criticize, and belittle me for what I tried to share.

Lots of people had something to say about my gender - most of it was unkind (or skeptical).

Recent photo of Lyric, with long black hair with green ends and shaved sides. They’re in a teal shirt with long sleeves, in a dark room, smiling at the camera.

Many people pressured me to go back into the closet, trying to convince me I was wrong (about my own experiences) or that sharing this information was "inappropriate for the internet" or "should be kept to myself." Some people tried to convince me that "giving up my gender hurt women." Other people (complete strangers) told me ways they felt I should die.  Many people (complete strangers) questioned or referenced "what was in my pants."  

All of that was bad, but there was one type of assumption that bothered me more than others, the assumptions about "WHY" I had "become" the way I was (Queer), as if one singular event or circumstance in my life had "damaged me" to make me this way - because, to many (bigoted) people, being Queer is seen as a "defect" (similar to how many view NeuroDivergence) though both of these differences (NeuroDivergence and Queerness) are simply part of human brain diversity.

With Autism for many years, there was a huge push to "solve the Autism puzzle" to find out "why we are Autistic, how to prevent us from being born," or to "reverse our Autism" and somehow make us non-autistic - an impossible feat, which further stigmatized Autistic People (enforcing cultural beliefs that there was something wrong with us that needed fixing) and wasted precious resources that could have been used to help Autistic People.

In my mind, these questions as to "why" I am Queer are a similar, dehumanizing distraction and a waste of time.

It doesn't matter "why" I am Queer.

I'm Queer, and just like any other human, I need to be treated with decency, kindness, and respect.

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I hope this helps,
- Lyric