Coming out: It's not something we do "just once." It's something we will do over and over again our entire lives.

For those of us who feel safe enough to live "outside of the closet," coming out is something we will choose to do (or NOT to do) repeatedly with every new person we meet.

Tomorrow is National Coming Out Day, but because my next two days are already full of meetings, calls, and presentations, I'm putting this post out a day early (or it won't happen). 

Some of you may say, "Lyric, we KNOW you're Queer, you don't have to come out! Didn't you ALREADY come out nonbinary/gender fluid in the summer of 2020?"

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While the statement above is technically true, what some people don't understand about coming out is: 

Coming out is NOT something any of us will do "just once" and then "never have to do it again." I WISH! 

For those of us who feel safe enough to live "outside of the closet," coming out is something we will choose to do (or NOT to do) repeatedly with every new person we meet.

I started this blog by coming out as Autistic and was also an out pansexual human from the beginning (so these two parts of my identity will probably be no surprise to most people who’ve been here a while). 

A few years later, I also publicly came out polyamorous online (something that's never been a secret to people who knew me well). 

People still don’t react well to polyamory.

I have had friends and family members tell me “not to tell their partners” about “my lifestyle” because they “don’t want them to get any ideas” -as if polyamory is contagious.

It shouldn’t surprise me that people think polyamory is contagious, considering there’s been a lot of talk about “social contagion” (resulting from “rapid-onset gender dysphoria,” a proposed condition that attributes adolescent gender distress to exposure to transgender people through friends or social media) in relation to Queer and NeuroDivergent People recently.

Though the APA (American Psychological Association) and numerous healthcare providers and organizations signed a letter in 2021 denouncing the validity of “social contagion” and “rapid-onset gender dysphoria” (ROGD) as a clinical diagnosis, people are still pushing this theory on both Queer and NeuroDivergent People (even though evidence has shown that “social contagion” is not causing more people to become Queer (or NeuroDivergent).

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Despite lies and misinformation, the concept of “social contagion” continues to be used to justify anti-trans legislation across the U.S.

Eventually, I came out nonbinary (genderfluid, if you want to get specific) in the summer of 2020 (a daunting task after publicly playing the part of a woman in so many people's eyes for several years). 

People wanted me to stay the person they were used to seeing, they didn’t want me to change (but I’ve always been who I am, it just took me years to find a language to describe myself and feel safe enough to share that person with the world).

I've been living outside of all my closets ever since. 

Coming out has been freeing, but it’s also been trying because of how much hate comes my way, simply for existing in public.

The growing movement against trans people has brought a bunch of hate and negativity my way. I occasionally get “casual death threats” (luckily with no follow through so far) and I’m called a groomer and told to “leave the children alone” at least once or twice a week (even though I don’t make content for children).

Being openly nonbinary has been more difficult than being openly Queer in other facets of my life (because of how much doubt, gatekeeping, and disbelieving non-binary people are real, both inside and outside the Queer communities - even from other trans people who believe gender is always binary). 

Unfortunately, sometimes the people you think (hope) will be safe aren't always safe. It can be tricky to know if someone will accept you or judge you harshly, thinking less of you when you tell them you're Queer (regardless of what flavor Queer you are). 

For those of us who feel safe enough to live "outside of the closet," coming out is something we will choose to do (or NOT to do) repeatedly our entire lives. 

With EVERY NEW PERSON WE MEET, we have to decide if it's safe to be "out with them" and how to tell them (or how to HIDE if we determine they're not safe). 

I've been "out" with my pansexual (formally bisexual) identity since middle school. 

Back then, people said I was "doing it for attention" (because the straights often objectify Queer People). To them, it's "just about sex". Many don't believe our relationships are as valid or valuable as theirs are.  

As a teen, I was told I should be ashamed for "rubbing my deviant lifestyle in people's faces" JUST for holding a girl's hand in public - which is something most straight couples can do without worry. 

Yes, it was Texas, and it was over 20 years ago, but it still happens even today, depending on where in the country or world you are. 

While most of the anti-bi/pansexual hatred I've gotten was from outside the LGBTQ2SIA+ community, even other community members can be just as bad. 

A few years later, in my early 20s (when I still identified as bisexual because I'd never heard of pansexual), my boss (a lesbian) told me: "Bisexual isn't a thing, just a bunch of "horny, sexually deviant perverts who can't pick a side because they are addicted to sex."

While without a doubt we have many lesbian allies, when I came out as nonbinary after publicly presenting myself (falsely) as a woman online for years, it was women (especially a group of "feminist lesbians") who came the hardest for me, demanding I "take it back" saying that I was "harming ALL WOMEN" by "giving up my womanhood" - something I never had (since I never WAS really a woman, just playing one because I was told to). 

They tried to enforce their gender norms on me via social media, where I could easily block them. I will also (luckily) likely never see these angry women in public, which is good because (especially recently) it can be DANGEROUS to be Queer in public (even in the United States) because of how the people who hate us see us - as people who have moral failings that cause us to "choose" "deviant" Queer "behavior" who need to be "kept in line" (often through harassment, abuse, and bullying, and sometimes physical violence). 

The word "behavior" is problematic in this case, as it implies that being Queer is behavioral or a choice. 

I didn't choose to be Queer. Did you CHOOSE to be straight? 

There is no QUEER BEHAVIOR, as there is no AUTISTIC BEHAVIOR. 

There is only HUMAN behavior.

I didn't CHOOSE to be Queer any more than I CHOOSE to be Autistic. I was born this way and have been this way for as long as I can remember. 

When people think we "chose" to be this way, they believe they can convince us to abandon our "choices" by abusing us until we conform (by hiding our true feelings) - whether we're talking about being Queer or being NeuroDivergent. 

If we stop publically presenting our true selves to the world, it doesn't make us suddenly NeuroTypical, straight, or cis. 

We're making ourselves palatable by hiding our true selves (anything that makes us stand out from the cishet neuromajority) from people around us (so they don't harm us). 

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