Does Your Soul Have a Reset Button? Mine's Hidden Deep in the Woods.
Physically Present, Mentally Gone: Pine-Scented Souls & Resets - Finding Clarity in the Wild
As an Autistic Person, one experience that is deeply ingrained in my being is the persistent tendency to fixate and hyperfocus on things (sometimes for hours, days, weeks, months, or even years on end).
When something is on my mind (often a problem that needs to be solved or a question I long for an answer to), it can be nearly impossible to let it go.
The difficulty I have letting go of things is simultaneously my greatest strength and my biggest weakness, and it is deeply intrinsic to who I am (though medical books only describe this trait as a deficit).
Not being able to let go of things means that once a problem (or a question or topic) is in my mind, it stays there, and I will work on it until I solve it (or find all the information I crave), even if it takes years. This tendency to fixate can be great if a problem is solvable (or if a question is knowable), but it can be torture if I become "hooked" on solving or knowing something beyond my abilities or reach.
My intense focus often leads me to neglect other important areas of my life, such as self-care or spending time with the people who matter most to me.
Being extremely focused and determined to understand why (or to fix a problem), I can easily forget how many days, weeks, or even months have passed since I've socialized or tended to my other needs (like going outside to walk in nature and talk to the bugs, animals, birds, and trees).
My hyperfocus can also affect my relationships.
I can be physically present with my loved ones but mentally checked out, still concentrated on whatever has snagged my mind. Or if I manage to pull myself into the present, I will find it hard to stay there, as constant reminders keep drawing me back to my current mental fixation.
The Journey
Eight years ago, after being diagnosed Autistic at the age of 29, and for several years after, my obsession was 'all things Autism and NeuroDiversity.' However, over the years, that obsession has gradually widened into a strong (and possibly impossible) desire to overturn all forms of social hierarchy.
I dream of leaving this world better than I found it.
I believe our generation owes the generations following us a safe, habitable, kinder world (at least), but I worry (watching current events) that we're quickly headed in the wrong direction.
Lately, I've been moving frantically, failing to stop and do the things that fuel me (ensuring I can stay doing the work).
Once upon a time, I wouldn't have been able to recognize myself falling into a dangerous routine (one that leads to isolation, depression, anxiety, and burnout), but now (that I know more about myself) I've grown able to spot the pattern (and course correct before things go too far).
So, already knowing I needed a reset last week, I eagerly accepted when David told me he had a long weekend and asked if I wanted to take a road trip to one of our favorite nature spots.
I am learning that many of my best ideas, awakenings, and inspirations are born in the in-between, the moments when I am simply existing and not doing, but for much of my adult life (and recently), I have been denying myself these essential occasions.
The periods between work (and taking breaks from work) are essential because they fuel us, making our continued work possible (by clearing the mind and recharging the body and soul).
Where each person finds their peace and what recharges each person is different, but I have found that when I stop seeking out the things that bring me peace and joy, I lose sight of the reasons why I do the work I do, and that can cause my work (and life) to begin to feel pointless.
Sometimes, I lose sight of what I'm working for, where I want to be, or what I want to do. Sometimes, I feel like my head's "not right," and I get stuck in a pattern I don't want to be in (but struggle to escape).
When this happens, often I find that the best medicine (for me) is to go to the woods (or jump in a river or lake for a few hours... if I can find a clean one).
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I hope this helps,
- Lyric
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