Escaping an Abusive Relationship with Society: A Late Diagnosed Autism Story - My Autistic Life

When I found out I was Autistic a few months before my thirtieth birthday, it was a moment that made me realize that I'd been in an abusive relationship with society.

Content Warning: This piece discusses gaslighting, coercion, manipulation, and abusive relationships (with people and society).

I'm Autistic (and ADHD) or AuDHD as some call it (since this is a common combination of NeuroTypes or Brain Types). 

As many of the longtime readers know, I didn't know I was Autistic and ADHD for most of my life, and I only learned about these truths after being diagnosed Autistic at 29, almost seven years ago. 

Like many of us identified in adulthood, I'd experienced a life of thinking I was a failed NeuroTypical person, not truly knowing myself or my needs (because I'd been programmed by the expectations and people in the world around me to think that my needs were unreasonable). 

I've been gaslit by society to think my needs and comfort are less important than everyone else's and that what I need is "wrong" (because it's not what everyone else needs). 

Over and over again, I've had my reality denied, been told I was too sensitive, didn't really feel or experience what I know I felt, and needed to "suck it up" and “keep up with everyone else” (who the world we live in is made for). 

The people doing this didn't KNOW they were harming me or denying my reality. It was assumed by everyone (myself included) that we all had the same brains and experiences. Regardless, the harm was done. 

Put down, over and over again, stifled into silence because nobody knew I was AuDHD, and everyone expected me to be and act as if my brain wasn't wired differently from theirs. 

Put down, over and over again, stifled into silence because nobody knew I was AuDHD, and everyone expected me to be and act as if my brain wasn't wired differently from theirs. 

IS it gaslighting if it is unintentional (and the outcomes on those whose reality is being denied are the same)?

Traditionally, regarding the long-term gaslighting of a victim, gaslighting is usually an intentional action (used to exert control over another person or obscure the truth). 

When gaslighting is intentional, the victim is manipulated with lies and coercion until the victim escapes the relationship (or the relationship ends the victim). 

These relationships can be dangerous because abusers often see victims as their property, making escapes treacherous. If victims DO escape, they usually have lasting mental scars from the trauma (especially if these relationships were long-term). 

When people are gaslit repeatedly, their realities are denied, and they can begin to have extreme self-doubt. 

After months or years of gaslighting, one may not be able to determine their own reality anymore (because their version of reality has been repeatedly denied by the person mentally abusing them).

When I found out I was Autistic a few months before my thirtieth birthday, it was a moment that made me realize that I'd been in an abusive relationship with society. 

Allowing others around me to dictate my reality (regardless of what I actually needed, felt, or experienced) because speaking up about the truth hadn't gone well for me in the past. 

Like many of us, I carry the scars and traumas of these experiences. 

Blending in, denying my own reality (and fawning at NeuroTypical expectations) was a trauma response - a survival skill I'd developed after years of repeated scoldings, teasings, and denials. 

Like thousands of small but shallow razor cuts all over my body (each wound on its own, not much of an assault or a threat), I've been left raw and bleeding from countless interactions - injections of doubt into my reality. 

Forced to disconnect from my feelings and needs, I often struggle (even now) to know how (or what) I'm feeling without profound soul-searching and reflection.

Trauma has compartmentalized me because, growing up, some spaces and activities were safer than others, allowing me to relax to varied degrees, dropping my guard when I felt safer. 

In my toxic relationship with society, I put different faces to the world for the varied spaces in society that I entered (because I rarely felt safe around other people). 

Back then, I felt pressured to deny myself so frequently I eventually became unsure of where the camouflaging ended, and I began. 

Learning I'm Autistic (and have multiple other NeruoTypes I won't get into today) has allowed me to start to find a flow where I don't have to put parts of myself away to be more "socially acceptable" mainly because I no longer try to force myself into spaces that won't accept the entire person that I am (NeuroDivergent strengths, weaknesses, needs, and all). 

Another thing that's changed since my diagnosis has been that I've become more aware of my needs (the ones I'd been taught to deny and ignore since I was in preschool).

For the first twenty-nine years of my life, I had been trained to ignore my own reality, and I stopped speaking up for myself because I had internalized things that were not true.

Trauma is a heck of a thing. It really can jar a person. Sometimes, we may be fractured to the point where we can never recover (and the wounds that do heal can take years of hard work to repair).

I've been on a mindful journey of healing from the traumas and wounds society has inflicted on me for seven years, and I still have a lot of work to do.

As I work to repair the damage done, I have learned that healing is not linear, re-traumatization can happen, and that (while I am improving and learning new things every day) I may never be "fully healed" from the wounds I have acquired (because of how many wounds there are).

A big part of my personal healing journey has been in getting to know myself all over again: what I need, what I want, what makes me happy, and what I REALLY need to take care of myself (since those are the realities I'd been forced to deny for almost thirty years). 

I have had to find activities that center, relax, and help stop my spinning mind (that often floats far away to some distant future or is lost in the past). Activities like skating, dance, flow, art, walking in nature, cuddling the dogs, and listening to music.

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