I Was Diagnosed Autistic at the Age of 29. . . Then I Realized What Else I Had Been Missing
Autism Isn't my Impairment: The System Designed to Crush NeuroDivergent People Is
Earlier this week, I mentioned that "I don't talk about Autism as much these days... for a few reasons" and shared one of those reasons. Today, I will share another reason I don't talk about Autism as much in recent days.
As I briefly mentioned in my previous post, "In the early days, in my ignorance, I likely attributed many things to being Autistic that could have been related to one of the numerous other differences and NeuroTypes I didn't know I had (yet)...
When I started this blog, I did not yet (and possibly never will) know the full spectrum of brain differences that are occurring within my mind (in addition to being Autistic), or the "Autism+" as I like to call it.
Many (if not most or possibly even all) Autistic People come with a constellation of differences, in addition to being Autistic (all of which can majorly alter the way the individual experiences the world around them). However, these co-occurring differences (such as additional NeuroTypes, neurological differences, mental health struggles, or physical health conditions) are often ignored due to people assuming they're "just part of Autism".
For example, I was diagnosed with Autism & Social Anxiety Disorder/Social Phobia on September 12, 2016.
Though I didn't know it, I have always been Autistic (I can see it in my earliest baby videos, and so could the doctor who diagnosed me). However, I did NOT always have Social Anxiety/Social Phobia (even though I've seen and heard many people say "social anxiety is typical for Autistic People").
For me, social anxiety was a learned response, resulting from trauma. It was a phobia that grew increasingly worse the more negative encounters I had with people, until I became phobic of social engagements (due to repeatedly being poorly treated by people).
While it was easy for me to embrace the label "Autistic," I struggled to claim my "Social Phobia" with the same enthusiasm.
Saying I had "social anxiety" felt like a miss.
This label "social anxiety" or "social phobia" made it sound like I was the problem, that I was to blame for my own fear of people.
I was also encouraged to socialize less (so as not to aggravate my condition, so I started to self-isolate) - a suggestion that didn't address the systemic issues (and ignored the fact that I was afraid of engaging with people for good reason, because people had hurt me).
I developed social anxiety because I didn't know how to determine if people were safe people (or not), and kept sharing with, getting close to, and being hurt by people (because I couldn't sense what people were genuinely kind and actually liked me, vs those who were only "being nice" because they wanted something from me).
I didn't need to isolate to avoid aggravating my phobia; I needed to find safe people and relationships so that I could heal my social relationship trauma (but I didn't know how).
Seeing myself (and my “Social Anxiety”)as “the problem” I stopped trying to socialize for several years.
I pulled myself away from the world. I stopped socializing, going out, or being around people except on rare occasions or through a screen (because online conversations felt safer than being face-to-face with people).
In my opinion, people living with trauma-based (and many other human conditions) have been done a massive disservice by the medical industry, especially those who write the books used to diagnose us.
The United States' systemic frameworks historically medicalized natural responses to oppression (for example, diagnosing enslaved people escaping captivity with "drapetomania," framing resistance to systemic oppression as pathology).
Similarly, we are currently seeing anti-MAG/anti-Fascist activism being labeled Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS), in the pathologizing reactions to visible injustice as mental instability.
It is easier for those in power to label the justified emotional responses of those suffering oppression as "mental instability" than for them to admit they are causing harm to people.
Those in power resist changing the systems that cause that harm to the people around them (because changing the systems would mean admitting the damage they are doing, and because it would force people at the top to share power).
Behaviorism = Asking People to Fit Themselves Into The System Through Assimilation (instead of True Inclusion and Belonging -flexing the system to fit people's individual needs).
There are many forms of conversion therapy that seek to manipulate people’s behaviors in order to make them more “socially acceptable”.
This school of thinking (that people need to change to conform and assimilate) drives focus toward changing people through coercive treatments (like behavior modification, medication, and institutionalization) while ignoring the systemic discrimination, trauma, and inequality that is causing people's distress.
By treating symptoms of systemic failure as personal defects, these practices protect oppressive structures and shift responsibility away from societal change, and put the blame on individuals for struggling (in systems that don't even meet their most basic human needs).
Similar to how Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) and other NeuroDivergent Conversion "Therapies" pressure Autistic and other Neuro-Minorities to conform to neuro-normative standards, the same has been done to Queer and other marginalized people all over the Eurocentric western world through the separation of "behaviors" from personhood.
Notice how the anti-Trans people were saying "transgenderism" instead of "Trans People"?
This is done to dehumanize us, by creating a category for "trans behavior" implying "no Trans People exist", only "people who engage in" or "practice" "transgender behavior" or "transgenderism".
This is similar to trans and other forms of Queer medicalism that occurred in the 1900s-1970s, where being Queer was considered a mental defect, treated with gay conversion "therapy" (which not only didn't work, but also caused PTSD, trauma, & su!c!des).
They dehumanized Queer People by separating our behaviors from our personhood.
They labeled anything "Queer" as "undesirable behavior" that needed "to be extinguished" (similar to how society currently does with most forms of NeuroDivergence today).
They pretend cis/het and neuro-average are the default states of humanity, and say those of us who don't fall in line are "immoral," "unwell," or "attention seeking" (ignoring the fact that many of us have tried to blend in or tried to be cis and straight but it didn't work, and that we didn't choose to be this way).
People who claim to be "looking out for us" because we are too "unstable" or "unreliable" or "not smart enough" to know what we really want or need; they think they "know best," but what they really want is for all of us to assimilate neatly within the "accepted social norms" and systems, by chopping off pieces of ourselves, shaving ourselves down to more easily digested bites the average person can swallow without choking.
I say... let them choke.
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I hope this helps,
- Lyric Lark Rivera
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