I'm Polyamorous but I'm Also Afraid of Starting New Personal Relationships

I'm on pause as I get to know my Self better - because that's a relationship I almost lost.

I've made no attempts to keep the fact that I am Polyamorous to myself. 

This particular facet of my identity is one that I've known about since middle school (when I first found myself attracted to multiple people at the same time and couldn't help but ponder why society deemed this ability to love more to be "wrong"). 

Many things bothered me about being pressured into compulsory monogamy: the possessiveness, the closed relationships, the origins and history of marriage, treating people like property, the expectation that one's eyes wouldn't accidentally appreciate the body of another, having any fondness or feelings for someone who's not your gender, and only being able to have one partner at a time. 

Please notice I said COMPULSORY MONOGAMY (forced monogamy) - this is not the same thing as people who choose monogamy if other options are available to them.

In our society, monogamy is often presented as the only acceptable "moral option" for many people, meaning (due to lack of alternatives and shame) many people accept monogamy as a "forced choice" even if it feels unnatural to them (because there simply are no other choices available to them that won't bring shame upon them) - which is not healthy. 

If shame is all that is keeping you in line, you're not acting authentically. 

Lyric sitting on the top of the sandstone rocks in the NM dessert. They are wearing black and silver pants, with stars on it, brown boots, and a jacket, looking out over the desert before them.

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If monogamy's for you, then go for it! 

Do what works for you. I am not trying to "convert" anyone to becoming Polyamorous by stating that "monogamy doesn't work for me." 

I'm simply trying to point out that, for me, being Polyamorous is more than "choosing to be in a style of relationship." It is a core aspect of my identity, just as much as being Pansexual or Genderfluid is. 

Even when I'm not actively dating or in a relationship with anyone, I've always been Polyamorous (because it is more than a "relationship type" for me); it is a way of thinking about relationships (not just my romantic relationships but also my friendships) and appreciating the different dynamics and structures within those relationships. 

Since my earliest attraction to others, I've looked at this social construct (compulsory monogamy) and asked, "WHY RESTRICT ONESELF LIKE THIS?" ... so I didn't. 

If we can love more than one child or friend, why can't we have love for more than one partner? Is romantic love something limited, or is it infinite? 

Even now, with a fantastic partner, I never cared to be locked into a closed relationship. 

Lyric and David, sitting on top of the sand stone rocks in the New Mexico Desert. They both are dressed in black, looking at each other, smiling.

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Though I'm not currently dating (other than David), I'm still Polyamorous. 

My love is only limited by the number of hours a day (which I currently struggle to find enough of). This lack of time is one reason I'm not currently dating. 

Right now, and for the past few years since being diagnosed Autistic, working and this blog have taken up most of my free time and much of my focus and attention. This means that my current partner, David, doesn't get the time they deserve with me, and I'm often more distracted by my work (than I would be with another partner). 

My day job is like one partner, and my blog is like another - both partners (and the large families that come with them) demand a lot of time and attention.

Also, recently, I've been diving into a very deep relationship with myself, getting to know many elements of a Self I'd lost in the years I spent not genuinely understanding my own brain (and trying to work on healing from the resulting childhood wounds and triggers that have been holding me back in life). 

Lyric, more recently, holding up a one half of a heart hand, sitting in their RV smiling. They wear a brown wooden necklace with a thunderbird tack on it, and a black halter top with a rainbow on it, and are smiling at the camerea.

Self-work is timely and intense (but worth it). 

At the age of 25, four years before finding out I was Autistic, I started a self-discovery journey, trying to find the source of discomforts and unease I could not (yet) name. 

Something was "wrong," but I didn't know what the "wrong" was or even how to describe how "not okay" I was feeling because, based on all external appearances, I seemed to be functioning correctly (despite the great inner conflict and turmoil I was experiencing). 

I can't afford a therapist, so I've tried many things over the years.

At the beginning of my journey (throughout my mid-to-late 20s), I found Yoga, meditation, mindfulness practices, and FlowArts, which helped me learn to shift my mind from a place full of worries and panic into the present moment. These practices gave me stabilization and regulation tools that would help me prepare for what would come next (all the memories that would start coming back upon receiving a late Autism diagnosis at the age of 29). 

Learning I am Autistic was a catalyst in my journey. 

Until that moment, I'd been trying to connect my body and mind, finding ways to ground myself because my consciousness was constantly floating away (due to many unknown factors - trauma, anxiety, ADHD, sensory issues, panic attacks, meltdowns, shutdowns, and emotional overloads). 

Not knowing I was Autistic (or about any of the mental health conditions that were making my life more difficult) meant I was at the mercy of them and the resulting strong reactions. 

When I didn't understand what was happening, I thought something was "fundamentally wrong with me." However, these reactions were reasonable considering the brain I was born with and all I'd been through in life.

Learning about my brain gave me that power, helping me to set aside my shame.

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I hope this helps,
- Lyric