Late Identified NeuroDivergence: Getting Back in Touch with Myself and My Needs

Neurodiversity set me free, giving me a new way of seeing myself and my relationship with the world and other people in it.

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Last week week I shared the first preview of my new book on NeuroDiversity in the wider world (title coming soon). Today I am sharing another excerpt from the first draft of that same book.

I would like to thank my subscribers and supporters for making this blog, and this book (which I hope to get out in the next year or two) possible.

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For the first thirty years of my life, when I did not know I was NeuroDivergent, I let other people tell me what I needed, which led me to neglect and become out of touch with my needs (so badly that I didn't know what they were). During that time, ignoring my needs (feelings, sensory, mental health, etc.) held me back, preventing me from getting my needs met and making many of my problems worse.

Not having an understanding (of the human spectrum of brain and neurological differences) hurt and traumatized me greatly (mentally, physically, and emotionally), leaving me with countless invisible wounds.

Now, I'm on a healing journey, a path of self-discovery and empowerment that my previous self never knew was possible.

I've only recently begun this voyage into unlearning the habits that no longer serve me, but I'm determined to see it through.

Self-advocacy became a crucial part of my life in my thirties after being diagnosed Autistic at 29. I had to teach myself to evaluate my wants and needs and set boundaries.

The expedition of self-discovery, understanding my needs post-autism diagnosis (and digging more deeply into the other ways I am NeuroDivergent over the past eight years) has been a significant and powerful experience for me, changing not only the way I see myself but also how I see every human (and non-human creature) in our world.

Learning the truth about my multiply-NeuroDivergent brain (and NeuroDiversity in general) helped me steer my thinking away from conforming and repressing myself. It helped me shift to a healthier direction, toward exercising control over my environment instead of being at its mercy (as I had been for most of my life).

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My Differences Were Apparent from a Young Age

For the majority of my life, I was unaware of my NeuroDivergent mind and that my perception of the world around me was not in line with the socially accepted and commonly supported averages. This lack of self-awareness (and failure to understand the human spectrum of brain and neurological differences) led to misconceptions about my NeuroDivergent traits (by myself and others).

Though I did not have any "official" labels placed upon me until being diagnosed Autistic at 29 and with ADHD a few years later when I was in my mid-30s, it does not mean there were no "signs" of my NeuroDivergence earlier in my life.

Now that I know what I am looking for, it is obvious to me that many of my NeuroDivergent traits were visible when I was very small, by the age of one and a half years old (possibly sooner). However, because I come from a NeuroDivergent family, many of my NeuroDivergent traits seemed "normal" to the adults who were closest to me growing up.

My different ways of experiencing and engaging with my inner and outer world weren't "a problem" at home (most of the time).

Growing up (before entering the public school system in the first grade), my NeuroDivergent traits were primarily seen as strengths, especially when I was very young. However, in school, the expectations were different, and traits that were cherished and praised at home (like curiosity, always needing to know "why," hyper-independence, being strong-willed, talkative, energetic, and always on the move) were seen as "disruptions" and punished in the classroom.

As a child, my ADHD often led me to act impulsively, causing me to feel a deep sense of shame.

I didn't understand why it was easier for other people to slow down or why I struggled to "think before I spoke," as people often suggested I do.

I longed to 'have control over myself' and would internally berate myself, attempting to gain the type of control that others seemed to have naturally. 

I knew I was different, but not why, so I could only assume "I was bad" and had "something wrong with me," making it difficult (or impossible) for me to do what everyone else expected me to do (easily).  Not understanding why things were so hard for me made it worse.

I knew there were ways I was different because many of my differences had caused me to struggle throughout my life. Still, I didn't have the language to express those experiences before learning about NeuroDiversity and NeuroDivergence (after being diagnosed Autistic at the age of 29).  

Not Knowing Had an Impact

Without the vocabulary of NeuroDivergence and NeuroDiversity (the diversity of human brains) to articulate the inner workings of my mind, I didn't understand myself. I often was stuck, unable to defend myself or advocate for my needs, and burdened by the misconceptions others held about me and my experiences of the world.

For most of my life, because of not knowing about the NeuroDiversity paradigm, I thought I (and all people) experienced our senses (like our emotions, sight, sound, touch, taste, smell, balance, coordination, or pain) the same. This assumption that "all minds were the same" erased my heightened experiences, and the erasure was enforced by people around me who often told me I was "being too sensitive" whenever I tried to speak up about various things that caused me pain and distress.

People wanted me to "tough it out" and "suck it up," frequently pointing out that I "was the only person complaining" whenever I tried to speak up.  

Eventually, after years of societal gaslighting, ignoring and tuning out my pain became my primary survival skill (since speaking up about my needs often didn't go well).

Because I regularly could not alleviate or escape my discomfort, I learned to temporarily save myself by mentally disconnecting from my body, putting things on "pause" (until things reach a critical level, overflowing and become un-ignorable, causing physical sickness, overloads, migraines, vertigo, seizures, and panic attacks).

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I hope this helps,
- Lyric