Navigating Social Landmines: An Autistic Perspective on Communication

Minesweeper Conversations: The Challenges of Social Interactions as an Autistic Person

In my experience, there seems to be a fine line between saying "too much" and saying "not enough." I struggle to find this line because it constantly changes depending on the various situations (people and other contexts) that I find myself in.

Additionally, because I am an "all-or-nothing" type of person, I am constantly teetering between the two extremes of oversharing (with people who want me to stop talking) and undersharing (keeping everything I want to share to myself) because sometimes I worry nobody wants to listen to what I have to say (since people have told me this and worse frequently throughout my life).

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When I get excited, my ability to filter myself vanishes.

When I'm relaxed, enthusiastic, comfortable, or if I've had a few too many alcoholic beverages (though I rarely drink these days), it's easy for me to be, do, and say 'too much,' leading to info-dumping and oversharing (communicating things I don't mean to).

My words and thoughts spill out of me onto whoever is there to catch them (without giving me a chance to screen them before they leave the chamber).

Before learning I was Autistic (eight years ago), I didn't understand why it was so difficult for me to "read the room" (and its people) and why figuring out the unspoken contexts (which seemed to come naturally to others) alluded me. This diagnosis was a turning point for me, shedding light on these challenges and helping me understand them better.

Before learning I am ADHD (a few years after learning about being Autistic), I didn't understand why I struggled so much (with the impulse control required) to hold my words in.

For most of my life, I didn't understand the anger and frustration of the people around me or why people would suddenly snap, telling me to "shut up" or "be quiet" because I was "talking too much" and saying things that "don't need to be said."

Even now that I understand why conversations (especially with unfamiliar people) have always felt like a game of Minesweeper, I still struggle to fit "correctly" into the various contexts without falling into one extreme or another.

Screenshot from the game Minesweeper.

Undersharing - masking, blending in, shutting down.

Sometimes, I say too much and struggle to stop myself from talking; other times, I feel like I can't say anything because I don't feel safe (emotionally or physically) speaking to the people around me (worried they will lash out at me for talking).

My mouth is like a floodgate with only two settings (open or closed). I'm either sharing or holding in all of my thoughts.

The gates (and my mouth) are typically open unless I feel unsure of myself, rejected, or nervous.

When worry and apprehension take over, my external chatter stops (and internal chatter, shaming me and scolding me into silence, takes over).

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I hope this helps,
- Lyric