On Autism, Anger, and Acceptance: The Anger No One Told Me Would Come With My Autism Diagnosis
It wasn't just relief. It was a rage that lasted for years. I was furious it took me 30 years to find out. My story & a resource that gets it right.
Nine years ago, when I was 29 years old, I was diagnosed as Autistic.
While part of me was relieved to have this information about myself, another part of me struggled to accept the news.
At the time of being diagnosed, I had a roller coaster of emotions, running through all of the "stages of grief" (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, eventually, acceptance).
Early on, waves of denial kept hitting me, and when the denial would ease up, I would feel intense anger over all the years of self-hatred I had endured due to not understanding the truth about my own brain.
Even as I started to move into the bargaining phase, I still kept feeling waves of anger, anger about how other people treated me, the unfair expectations that had been placed upon me, how I'd been made to think my best wasn't good enough (and by extension, I wasn't enough) over and over again.
I was angry realizing that throughout my entire life, people had always told me things like "if you'd just apply yourself," or "try a little harder," and "stop being lazy," I could (fill in the blank), when I'd already applied all I had to apply, tried my harderst, and had been putting in way more effort than my peers, only to have people around me not see that effort, and assume I'd not been trying (when in reality I'd been giving all I had to offer).
I was angry because I'd been discouraged from knowing my true self, advocating for my needs (as people around me didn't understand them, assuming I was like them), and had been frequently punished for things beyond my control.
I was angry that it took nearly 30 years for me to learn the truth, when looking back over my life, everything now seemed painfully obvious.
I was angry that my school had referred me for testing, but my guardians (who had the best intentions) were afraid of the labels that might be placed upon me, and waived the testing that had been recommended.
Had I been a boy, I would have checked many of the boxes for stereotypical Autistic traits. I was noticeably different than non-autistic children, but also similar to other people in my family (who were also undiagnosed).
Many people only saw my gifited-ness, which made it hard for them to recognize my struggles, or when my struggles appeared, because of the ways I was gifted (reading, art, and music), those struggles were too often seen as a lack of effort or worse "bad behaviors," "rebellion," or "laziness" (that needed to be trained out of me).
Thinking back on the way I was treated only brought up the anger about how many years of mistreatment I'd endured (by people who claimed to only want the best for me, but had caused immense harm due to their ignorance).
The Online Autism Discourse was Different 9 Years Ago
Part of why I struggled to accept the undeniable truth in front of me (that I am and always have been Autistic) was how non-autistic people (the main people who were elevated in the conversation about Autism back then) portrayed Autism and Autistic People online, and the dehumanizing and pathological language they used to describe us.
After my diagnosis, when I would Google Autism, or Autistic Adults, most results that came up were Autism Warrior Parent blogs (parents at war with Autism, who wrote sob stories about how having an Autistic child had ruined their lives), and ABA providers and other snake-oil salesmen (promising to help "normalize" Autistic People) who profited off of making parents and guardians scared by stigmatizing Autism.
The ABA practitioners and those promising to "cure" Autism used fear-based narratives to guilt-trip parents into quack treatments (like bleach enemas) and expensive 40-hour-a-week (sometimes more) programs using behavioral modifications to shape Autistic kids into more "socially acceptable" and "less disruptive" versions of themselves (not unlike what had been done to me over the years, leaving me traumatized and unable to advocate for myself).
My rage and disgust upon discovering what had been done to me was the most "recommended treatment" for Autistic kids, boiled over into my work in the early days.
That rage was only amplified every time one of these parents dared to tell me (without understanding how much pain I'd endured in the years of not knowing) that I "wasn't Autistic" because (to them) Autistic People "would never be able to write blogs, hold jobs, find romance, or create social media content".
Some Autistic People may not be able to do these things (just like some non-autistic people may not).
All humans have different skills, strengths, and weaknesses.
According to these ignorant loudmouths, "all real Autistic People will never live on their own," because (to them) "real Autistic People need around-the-clock care and supervision". After all, that's what they'd been told by "the professionals" who only sold fear, gloom, and doom... It wasn't their fault they had been led astray, but it still pissed me off.
I was, to them, a contradiction to everything they knew and understood about Autism, and for many, simply reading (or hearing) me say "I'm Autistic and Autism isn't something to hate or fear" filled them with rage, because many of them had become steeped in the anti-autistic rhetoric, and had built their identities around "being at war with Autism."
The way they attacked me and other Autistic adults who spoke up, insisting we were lying whenever we shared our lived experiences, triggered my anger, and the way they tore Autistic adults down held everyone back, by making Autistic adults hesitant to share their experiences (or worse, doubt themselves even being Autistic).
I didn't see myself the way these non-autistic (as far as they knew) parents of Autistic children and medical providers (and ABA "therapists") saw Autism - like a curse that ruined lives and families.
Yes, there were things about my life that were more difficult (especially as a child, growing up undiagnosed and having many of my Autistic traits blamed on behavioral issues when, in reality, a lack of support and autonomy were often to blame for my struggles).
Still, I could also see how many of my gifts, skills, and favorite things about myself could also be traced back to my Autistic brain... but the non-autistic people hogging the microphone, insisting they were the "experts on Autism," in those days were drowning in misery, and rarely spoke about the best parts of the Autistic experience (growing angry with anyone who dared break ranks with their narrative of woe-is me despair).
I was angry at these people, who didn't identify as Autistic for hogging the microphone and dominating the Autism narrative, drowning out actual Autistic voices, and dismissing (and often scolding Autistic adults who dared to say anything positive about being Autistic because, to them, Autism was always and ONLY a life-ruining tragedy).
NOTE: I am aware that some of them may have been Autistic and not known it.
In my experience over the past nine years, I've learned that often Autistic People who don't know they are Autistic can be extremely dismissive and ableist, and can be some of the worst people to talk to about Autism as a self-aware Autistic.
Autistic People in denial of their own Autism will often be quick to say things like "that's not real Autism, my kid has REAL Autism and you're nothing like my kid," "everyone is a little Autistic," or "I do that and I'm not Autistic" (I myself did that last one the first time an Autistic Person described being Autistic to me when I didn't yet know about my own brain).
These parents and "professionals" may not have realized the harm they were doing, but it still pissed me off.
That anger stuck around, even as I moved into the bargaining phase.
As I moved into the bargaining phase, the only thing that saved me was the voices of actual Autistic People (in books, podcasts, videos, and blogs) who were hard to find due to all the noise the non-autistic people were making about Autism.
Bargaining, "Am I really Autistic?" and "Was my diagnosis correct?" left me seeking out and digesting any information about Autism I could find.
Had I only found non-autistic perspectives on Autism (which were much easier to find than Autistic experiences in those days), or had I listened to these anti-autistic self-proclaimed "autism warriors" assessment of me, I might not have accepted the truth about myself.
However, I was lucky that my assessor (who'd given me the lifesaving information about my brain) had also recommended several books written by Autistic People for Autistic People, leaving me with a hunger for firsthand experience of what being Autistic was really like according to Autistic People (and a healthy avoidance of stories written about Autism by non-autistic people).
I decided, early on, that the non-autistic perspectives on Autism weren't worth my time.
Autistic Voices Saved Me
While I didn't see myself in the ways non-autistic people described Autism, reading Autistic stories made me feel seen in ways I'd never been seen before. It was like that song "Killing Me Softly With His Song," making it hard for me to deny or bargain myself out of what part of me knew deep down inside.
The more I read (looking for proof in the Autistic author's words that I'd been misidentified), the more I realized the doctor who'd diagnosed me had been correct, and the truth became undeniable.
Depression and waves of sadness came over me as the finality of the diagnosis hit me. Still, the sadness was constantly being washed away by the anger (that would continue to permeate me for years, even after acceptance kicked in).
Nine years later, I'm not as angry, though for years rage and unprocessed trauma fueled my work.
I owe much of my growth and eventual self-acceptance to the Autistic voices who bravely came before me (in a time where speaking up would often trigger harassment from doubters who were determined to keep "their version" of Autism at the forefront, leaving no room for those of us with different lived experiences).
Back then we literally had to fight to be heard above all the noise (and often would find ourselves under attack from those desperate to stay on the front lines of the autism narrative).
Now, with the rise of RFK and the re-amplification of the anti-vaccine movement (with RFK even praising the warrior parents), Autistic voices are once again the antidote to all the hate and fear-mongering that I worry is becoming more prevalent once more.
So, with that in mind, I want to share with you all a great, free resource, packed with Autistic firsthand experiences:
The Autism From The Inside Online Summit
HOW THE SUMMIT WORKS
The Autism From The Inside Online Summit is a FREE week-long, online event featuring 25 pre-recorded sessions from actually autistic experts from across the globe, each sharing their valuable insights and lived experience.
Registration is completely free to access the full line-up—five FULL days of hand-picked speakers.
New presentations are released each day for you to watch on demand at any time that day. So, regardless of your timezone, you can be sure to catch all your favorite speakers.
You also get access to an additional opportunity to watch any sessions you missed during our Encore (REPLAY) Weekend (two bonus days where the entire line-up is made available again for 48 hours).
Dates 22–28 September. Starting September 22nd, 2025, each day's program becomes available at 9:00 am. Melbourne time and remains accessible for 24 hours, allowing you to catch all the speakers at a time that suits you each day.
Free Ticket
A free ticket gets you access to every speaker's presentation throughout the event (new presentations are available each day). Plus an additional Encore (REPLAY) Weekend to catch up on any sessions you may have missed during the week.
Register here: https://autismexplained.krtra.com/t/KHrEj08W4hoQ
Upgrade Your Experience:
To get even more out of your Summit experience, they are also offering an optional Lifetime Access Bonus Bundle Upgrade, which includes access to exclusive events and additional bonuses. Details on The Autism From The Inside Online Summit website.
More info: https://autismexplained.krtra.com/t/KHrEj08W4hoQ
I hope you can take advantage of this free, online conference, by Autistic People for Autistic People (and our true allies) which works very hard to amplify Autistic Experiences.
That makes sense on how much anger you felt around your response to your Autism and patriarchy has a lot to do with that. Since, studies were predominantly done on boys and there are brain differences with neurotypical boys and girls, as well as neurodivergent boys and girls. I read somewhere that neurodivergent girls brains are similar to neurotypical boys. Though, everyone’s is different due to physiological and social factors.
What you described about your diagnosis is considered disenfranchised grief. I also know that 5 stages of grief has been debunked, as grief is not linear as it more around emotions and triggers. So, what I have found about grief is it’s more the 4Fs Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn. What you described with anger is more a fight response. Which is completely understandable and it’s important that you keep doing what you are doing, by sharing your experiences, knowledge and awareness.
I was diagnosed as autistic and with ADHD when I was 55. For me it was far enough away from all those school reports that said “must try harder” and so on. What my diagnosis did was give me a framework for all the behaviours I had demonstrated throughout my life. I am a master procrastinator, chronically clumsy, very disorganised and forgetful and easily distracted. I have had sensory issues for as long as I can remember and hate tight fitting clothes, can’t bear certain noises and get triggered by other people’s repetitive movements (misophonia and Misokinesia). I am stupidly impulsive and will go to the shop for groceries and end up buying a new set of tea towels just because.
My anger is reserved for my son who is also autistic. He was labelled “lazy”, “disruptive”, and a “management problem” at school. Yet no one thought to suggest an assessment for him. I had to fight to get the diagnosis for him. He, like you, Lyric, really did the best he could but the way his brain works didn’t fit the way school was organised towards academic achievement. He was and still is a fount of knowledge, imaginative and has a firework brain, like me. I was able to mask for a long time - got through school, university, had a career as a mental health nurse, married and had two children so it looked like there was nothing wrong with me - but my symptoms worsened post-menopause. My 24yo can’t mask and I can’t imagine him leaving home any time soon. H
Thank you for sharing this. All humans are unique, no, not everyone is a “little bit autistic” and some have more needs than others.
I wish you the very best from the UK 🇬🇧