Rebooting the Matrix: How I Manage My Wonky Memory

My Experience Living With an Unreliable Memory

My memory is a bit wonky.

I don't trust myself to remember things, especially in the short term.

Growing up, I used to worry about my memory (because adults often told me I was "too young to be so forgetful").

I would forget the show I was watching if the commercials came on, forget what I was trying to say to someone (mid-sentence), not remember something I'd been told, or that I was supposed to do something (like a chore, task, or to bring items home from school-like books or homework).

When people gave (give) me verbal directions, I could not (cannot) remember the steps (even if there are few steps and the steps are simple).

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I got in trouble (both at home and at school) because of my forgetfulness.

People around me seemed to have trouble believing when I told them "I didn't remember" things (and would often suggest that I was not listening, intentionally forgetting, or pretending to forget things on purpose), which made me feel ashamed and inadequate for my inability to "get it together."

Top view of a grey maze.

Back then, I didn't know my mind worked differently. Nobody did. This meant the expectations placed upon me (and people's reactions to me) were often unfair and unrealistic.

Because I didn't know the bar was set too high, I beat myself up over my inability to mimic the memories of the people around me.

I always feel that I am, or might be, forgetting something—and often, I do forget something (despite my best efforts).

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My understanding of my memory has evolved since learning about my NeuroDivergence.

When I was first diagnosed Autistic (almost 8 years ago now), I thought all of my memory differences were due to me being Autistic (because I did meet Autistic People who had similar memory issues to my own).

As I got to meet more Autistic People, I started to realize there are plenty of Autistic People out there who don't struggle with their memory nearly as much as I do (and some who have exceptional memories, allowing them to sequence and recall events with detail and precision I can barely comprehend).

A few years after being diagnosed Autistic (with social anxiety disorder), when I was in my mid-thirties, I was diagnosed with combined type ADHD, which explained some of the short-term and executive functioning difficulties that I had been experiencing.

More recently, after the loss of my grandfather in the hospital sparking a whirlwind of repressed childhood memories, I realized there's probably more to my wonky memory than Autism and ADHD.

I used to think that my short-term memory was useless, but my long-term memory was forever. However, I've recently realized that even my long-term memory is less solid than I used to believe it.

These days (now that I have more coping mechanisms), I'm much less bothered by the things I forget day to day (though the repressed childhood memories that keep bubbling up recently have been distressing, to say the least).

At this point in my life, I'm less concerned with finding a specific medical name for my experiences and more focused on learning about myself, my needs, and what I need to be happy, heal, and succeed.

A sepia photo of three train tracks converging.

My brain is like a train with multiple tracks.

When it bumps from one track to another, it can disrupt the flow, skipping my mind like a CD. This has been the case for as long as I can remember.

"Why did I pick this item up?"

"What was I trying to say?"

"What did I get up for?"

"What task am I supposed to be doing?"

"Where did I put that thing?"  

"What's going on?"

"Have I eaten today?"

"Did I lock the door?"

"Did I leave something on?"

"Am I forgetting to do or bring something important?"

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I hope this helps,
- Lyric