Should I tell my child they are NeuroDivergent?

We know we are different. Before I knew I was in NeuroDivergent, my labels were: Stubborn, "Lazy, Rebellions, Difficult, Stupid, Flake, dumb." Now, those have been replaced with Autistic and ADHD.

Being a Trans Person, in addition to being an Autistic Person, means I view my Autistic Experiences through a NeuroQueer lens that is informed by my Trans Experience. 

Both of these experiences (being Autistic and Trans) impact how I view social constructs and systems, as well as how I view both Autistic and Trans People's place in society. 

Being both Autistic and Trans also informs the ways I view the systems that threaten and oppress us (like Eugenics, Christian Nationalism/anti-Queer hate, ABA/Conversion Therapy).

I think of my NeuroDivergence (AuDHD) as my primary identity because it is the one that people notice first; it is the part of me that, even if I do my best to hide it, if people spend enough time with me, they will notice there's "something different" about me. 

In recent years, with the rise of anti-Queer Christian Nationalists, it has become crucial that I speak about my trans experience, as ant-trans hatred (and anti-trans legislation) continue to increase globally.

CONTENT WARNING: This piece discusses Gay/Trans Conversion Therapy as well as NeuroDivergent Conversion Therapy (also known as ABA or Applied Behavioral Analysis) which may be upsetting to some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

---

---

My Queerness is invisible, but my Autism and ADHD are not. 

My NeuroDivergence (even when I didn't know what it was) has always been on display (and could be seen in the ways that I moved, spoke, and engaged with the world around me).

People whose NeuroDivergence is more invisible (or even more visible) than mine will likely have a different experience (and may identify themselves differently). However, in my case, even without the labels of "Autistic" and "ADHD," people notice me -because I stand out (without trying to do so, even when I want to be invisible).

To those who have NeuroDivergent Children and say they "don't want to limit them by putting labels on them":

Before I knew I was in NeuroDivergent, my labels were:

Stubborn, "Lazy, Rebellions, Difficult, Stupid, Flake, dumb."

Now, those have been replaced with:

Autistic, ADHD, Hyperlexic, FaceBlind (and more I am learning about as I go).

The first labels I had destroyed my self-esteem. The new labels removed the old labels and set me free.

I spent the first twenty-nine years trying to do the impossible (hiding un-concealable parts of myself).

Learning I was Autistic at twenty-nine and about my ADHD a few years later helped me to realize how futile my efforts at blending in had been. 

At first, I thought I was a "great camouflager" because I'd managed to go undetected for almost the first thirty years of my life. However, in reality, people just didn't know enough about Autism and ADHD to apply these terms to me, instead using terms they knew (like the names listed above and below). 

Even if people can't quite name what is different about me, they have always seen (and still see) me as "eccentric," "rude," "scattered," "spacy," or "strange."

I can hold myself together (hiding my NeuroDivergent traits for short periods). However, moments of stress, distraction, or excitement give me away. 

The way I move, the way I talk, my confusion, and my discomfort can be impossible to camouflage sometimes. 

I have realized that, even when I thought I was blending in in the past, I was likely still standing out. 

Passing as non-autistic is an impossible goal for me because even though I do not look like the stereotype that most people imagine when they think of an Autistic Person (a younger boy with multiple complex disabilities in addition to being Autistic), I still don't pass as "typical" (and never have). 

Since learning the truth about my brain, NeuroDivergent People who knew me before I "knew myself" have told me they knew I was NeuroDivergent before I did. Part of me wishes someone would have told me, but I'm unsure if I would have been receptive to the information back then. 

My Autistic ADHD traits were likely never truly "invisible" - just invisible to ME (or misnamed). 

My AuDHD was most visible before I started elementary school (when the teacher referred me for testing for learning disabilities - that my guardians refused) before I started to internalize my needs and struggles.

Photo of Lyric, in September 1992, when they were five years old, they are smiling, with medium wavy black hair.

As I learned to hide my NeuroDivergence (because it upset people and got me in trouble), my AuDHD became less visible over the years - thanks to life in a world that scolded me every time I stood out (unless in a way society found valuable). 

I learned to internalize things (my feelings, discomfort, and confusion) to avoid catching other people's unfavorable attention because I thought I was constructing myself into "a better person." After all, who I was by default was fundamentally flawed (or so I believed when I didn't know I was AuDHD). 

I'd never been in a formal ABA program, but Lovaas's ideals of constructing a person had crept into me. 

Dr Ivaar Lovaas, who pioneered ABA with George Rekers, an anti-gay activist, is famous for saying the following about Autistic People: 

"You see, you start pretty much from scratch when you work with an autistic child. You have a person in the physical sense – they have hair, a nose, and a mouth – but they are not people in the psychological sense. One way to look at the job of helping autistic kids is to see it as a matter of constructing a person." - Dr. Ole Ivar Lovaas (One of the "founding fathers of ABA").

NOTE: You may know Rekers from his work with James Dobson and their work with the Family Research Council - declared by the HRC to be a hate group against trans and other Queer People. 

Lovaas and the creators of ABA advocated for beating the Autism out of children because they did not see Autistic People as fully human. Queer and gender-nonconforming children (seen as deviant) were treated similarly by Lovaas and Rekers Feminine Boy Project, with tragic results. 

When I was first diagnosed Autistic, I didn't see myself as fully human either - because my humanity had been stripped away from me when I was encouraged to put my own needs aside in favor of making myself small so as not to be assaulted or abused (mentally or physically) by those in power. 

Paid subscribers have access to more of this story. Thanks to every one of you for supporting my work.