Signs of Abusive People – 10 Red Flags - An Autistic Guide to Detecting Manipulative & Abusive People
Once they attach themselves to you, trying to leave one of these abusive and manipulative people can be complicated, scary, and even dangerous.
CONTENT WARNING: This article discusses suicidal ideation, grooming, manipulation, coercive control, and physical and mental abuse.
This piece completes my recent grooming, manipulation, and coercive control series.
Thanks for sticking with me as I got this heavy weight off of me.
It’s important, as Autistic People, to be mindful and aware of manipulative people - those who coerce others into doing things they’d never do otherwise.
They’ve seen an opportunity to take what they want from you. Maybe it’s sex, maybe it’s a place to live. Maybe it’s a promotion you are about to land (that they desire) in the workplace. Maybe they’re getting close to you because YOU are a stepping stone to another target.
It’s all about manipulation and control; they usually want something from you. Because it’s all about getting something they want, they may leave and move on if you don’t give them what they want. However, they may latch on and stick around if they can get what they need from you.
Once they attach themselves to you, trying to leave one of these abusive and manipulative people can be complicated, scary, and even dangerous.
I have stereotypical Autistic Pattern recognition, meaning I often notice things others miss.
Because I notice things others miss, people have accused me of being clairvoyant in the past.
For the most part, when I make a prediction, it’s not based on any psychic powers, spiritual connection, or messages from the other side but simply on the patterns that are practically screaming at me (while going unnoticed by others).
Because other people cannot see the patterns I do, sometimes it is dismissed as paranoia, OR people are confused at how I can “predict the future” so often.
For many years this ability to notice and pick up on patterns didn’t save me. I kept falling into familiar patterns of abuse, getting myself into relationships with people who had poor intentions or wanted to use or exploit me.
These can be people’s family members. These can be people’s parents. These can be relatives, these can be coworkers, and people you work with. These could be your boss.
Much of what I’ll talk about will center around romantic relationships, but you can also encounter a manipulative person outside of a romantic relationship.
Unfortunately, when one of these manipulative people gets their hands on you in a romantic sense, it can be especially devastating because of how much access they have to you, allowing them to get in under your skin and play many mind games.
When I didn’t know I was Autistic, I didn’t understand that not everyone goes about their lives as I do.
Yes, I am a pattern thinker and can pick up on patterns (once I have enough experience and information to see them). I am also fairly transparent, blunt even, saying what I mean, and very upfront with my intentions.
I am transparent and open, don’t pretend to like people, and am not kind to people for ulterior motives. Because of my failure to “be nice” when I don’t feel it, I’ve been accused of being an “ass” more times than I can count.
I’m not nice. I’m kind… There IS a difference.
Nice people, those who “fake” kindness out of obligation or without actually feeling it, who are only nice because they want things from others or to make themselves look good, used to scare me (because of the harm I’ve experienced in the past at the hands of people like this).
As an Autistic Person, it can be hard to spot them if you don’t know what you are looking for.
Now, as I’m closer to 40 than 30, with too much painful experience under my belt, I have enough data to confirm and notice when some of these patterns unfold before me.
Abusers are predictable. Once I see one for what they are, they are EXPOSED.
I hope this list will help you with some red flags to watch for - so you don’t have to learn through personal experiences (as I have).
PLEASE NOTE: This list is drawn from my personal experience as a victim of manipulation and coercive control in multiple types of relationships (family members, fake friends, romantic partners, and even employers and coworkers).
Any one of these traits on its own may not be a red flag. You should consider the COLLECTIVE of traits together in concentration (because all of these traits occur amongst the human spectrum).
The patterns below are a list of common traits people who harmed me personally shared.
This piece is based entirely on first-hand experiences of being lured in (multiple times by) these charming and sometimes charismatic characters who hide behind a mask of niceness - monsters whose darkness destroys every person they touch… eventually.
Abusers have patterns… their manipulations are dangerous, but also they are predictable (if you know what to look for).
These types have no problem taking advantage of people, stepping on people (metaphorically and even physically) to lift themselves up (at the disregard and expense of others).
If they abuse one person (by manipulating, lying, cheating, or stealing from them), expect they will do the same to you one day too.
Abusers are master manipulators who know how to be everything you want them to be (and need) them to be.
Believe it or not, abusers can be charming (especially initially) and may even appear warm, loving, and nurturing (at first glance).
Often, when you first meet an abuser, they will be on their best behavior.
Initially, this person may seem too good to be true (because they are projecting what they think you want and aren’t showing their true selves or intentions).
If anyone ever comes to you, and it seems like they’re made for you (because they check ALL of your boxes), I STRONGLY suggest you question that.
3. Manipulative people often have very one-sided relationships where they often will expect other people to serve or cater to them.
These, these people take, take, take, take, take, take. They don’t give back unless they want something.
They may be the only person who does venting and complaining, but they won’t be receptive or available for someone else to lean on if others ever need a shoulder to cry on.
Abusers think their needs and feelings are more important than those of the people around them. They see themselves as number one; the rest of us are just NPCs to be played and toyed with.
Thanks to the abuser’s artificially inflated sense of worth, they believe that everyone should serve and cater to them. Because they see themselves as more important than they really are, they use the people around them as pawns, discarding them when they can no longer use them.
They will exploit anything and anyone if they can get away with it (even lying, cheating, and stealing) because they believe things should be handed to them or that they are entitled to take what they want.
They strategically shower you with love (to keep you hooked on them).
When an abuser wants something from you, they may “love bomb” you - using gifts (often things that are of monetary value) or acts of kindness as reinforcers to lure you back in.
I noticed that my abusers were often convinced they were somehow more “special” than the average human.
For example, one of my first partners, who harmed me when I was a minor, told me they were adopted and that their REAL parents (not the ones I met) were demons and were a half-human demon hybrid person.
Another person I dated (who took advantage of me when I was young and naive) thought they were a vampire.
At the time, because these stories seemed so unrealistic, I laughed it off with both partners… thinking they were playing strange games…
In hindsight (because these role players never broke character and seemed to REALLY believe these fantasies), this SHOULD have been a HUGE red flag.
They often are very insecure and might even hate themselves.
Most of my abusers, while confident in certain areas of their lives, often were extremely insecure in other areas - which is why they need to put other people down (to make themselves feel better).
Many of them seem to REALLY love themselves, but upon closer inspection of their actions, there’s a lot of self-hatred and insecurity behind a lot of what they do and how they act.
They are often VERY nice publicly, but once you get to know them, you realize they lash out a lot and have little to no consideration for the feelings of those around them.
Despite not caring for others, these selfish people often will expect people to cater to their needs and wants.
That doesn’t mean they don’t hate themselves, it JUST means they prioritize themselves more than the people around them – because often those around abusers aren’t seen as people, they are tools to be used.
In fact, a lot of abusers DO have self-esteem issues.
Failure to take accountability for one’s actions and blaming things that happen to them on everyone/everything around them is a HUGE red flag.
Abusers will frequently fail to take responsibility for their own actions and the problems they create for themselves.
Watch for people whose lives are filled with drama and who blame all their problems on external sources (people/situations).
Your abusive friend, colleague, coworker, or romantic partner will make everyone else the problem.
If you’re in a romantic relationship with an abusive person, when there are problems in the relationship, you become the problem. It’s always something you did. You always “deserve” what you get for “how you acted,” and the abuser is never at fault.
Abusers may also lash out or play the victim when facing the consequences of their actions (if you don’t agree with their self-victimization or they aren’t getting their way).
Yes, shitty things do happen TO people, but for some people, trouble seems to follow them everywhere they go (at first glance). However, it could be a red flag when you dig a bit deeper and find many of the problems someone is complaining about are problems they’ve brought upon themselves.
That’s the other thing when you catch these manipulative people lying or doing something questionable, even if you have just walked in in the middle of it, they will sometimes even outright deny and gaslight you, claiming you didn’t see what you saw.
“I know what you think you saw, but that’s not really how it is,” or, “Come on, it wasn’t really that bad, you’re making it out to be worse than it really is.”
These denials of the truth you’ve seen with your own eyes can make you doubt your own sense of reality - especially when repeated repeatedly.
After enough years in a relationship like that, you might even begin to believe you are the problem and deserve all the shitty treatment your abuser dishes out at you.
Victim blaming, which I wrote about last month, is common in the world today.
People want abuse victims to have “empathy” for their abusers and pressure us to be mindful of the fact that disclosing abuse may “ruin the lives of the abuser” (and anyone they care for, if they have a family or dependents).
This can make disclosures difficult because when the harm an abuser does to others is made visible (by a victim who speaks out against an abuser), the abuser will often say that they are “being abused” or downplay the statements made by their victim (because they feel the victim is harming them by “making them look bad” by speaking the truth).
It is NOT the responsibility of someone who’s been harmed to protect the person who chose to harm them from the consequences of their own actions (or the abuser’s family).
The abused shouldn’t be burdened with keeping the secrets of the person who harmed them (but we often are).
The disclosure of the harm has NOT ruined the life of the abuser… the abuser ruined their own life when they hurt another person.
Abusers who’ve been abused are still abusers.
Adding insult to injury, I’ve had people who abused me blame their abuse of me on the abuse they received growing up. “I can’t help it! I’m this way because my mom didn’t love me enough!”
People sometimes use TRAUMA as an excuse to hurt other people. Just because you went through something, it doesn’t give you a pass to LASH out and harm others.
All my abusers came from bad family situations, but having a crappy childhood (or being abused as a child) is NOT an excuse to abuse others.
They crave power and may be bossy/think/act like they are leaders (self-appointed) because they like to control other people or be the center of attention.
They are not humble, in fact, they are OFTEN power hungry, making up rules for the people around them.
Many of these people may seem confident and charismatic, but they can be very immature. They tend to have very fragile egos once you dig and you get to know them.
These people need attention CRAVE drama, and praise, and (because of their low sense of self-worth) need to elevate themselves above others (often by putting them down).
Abusers who get off on the suffering and stress of others will make up reasons to fight with you. Your pain may even bring them joy.
It’s all about control. These people may have felt powerless growing up or in other areas of their lives and may abuse others as a toxic way to regain or feel more powerful.
They lie. They lie so often they may even believe their own lies.
A watch for people who lie, cheat, and steal from others.
If someone is lying, cheating, and stealing from others, they will do the same to you. Don’t assume they will treat you differently than they treat other people.
If someone’s a liar, cheater, thief, or manipulator, they’ve shown you true colors. Believe what you see.
They like to control the narrative (even if it’s untrue). They may even lie about you, telling wild stories to elevate themselves, making you look bad so they can look good - ESPECIALLY IF YOU FALL OUT OF FAVOR WITH THEM.
Have you ever gone through a “breakup” and had the person RUSHING to tell everyone you both know their side of the story (often omitting information or adding false details) before you can tell anyone anything’s even happened between you?
This type of manipulative behavior, controlling the narrative by creating and spreading information that may not be true, is a HUGE red flag.
Manipulative people are aware (on some level) that they are doing bad or unfavorable things (otherwise, they wouldn’t try to hide their bad behavior).
Often abusers will abuse and lash out at people in secret (behind closed doors). So even if someone might be a very nice person to you (as far as you know), it doesn’t mean they are not abusing someone else behind closed doors.
Abusers may use their “flying monkeys” for recon.
They’re always looking for information they could use to their advantage.
Abusive people are often two-faced, so the people who are still “under the abuser’s spell” may be unable able to see through the lies, cruelty, coercion, and manipulation (at first).
Because abusive people don’t respect your wishes for privacy when you do cut them out of your life, they may use their “flying monkeys” to check up, spy, pry, and dig up your information.
The “flying monkey” most likely will not even know they’re being used in information-gathering missions.
Because of this dangerous “information gathering behavior,” sometimes the only way to keep yourself safe from an abuser is to avoid contact with that person and anyone associated with them.
Because of this, people who have been abused may lose friends or loved ones when they have to cut out people who side with (or are maintaining a relationship with the abuser) for their own safety, as it may be the only way to stop the information gathering.
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