The Child Abuse People Don't Talk About: Religious Indoctrination - The Trauma of Childhood Brainwashing

It was difficult for me to "go along" with what they taught in Sunday school, and when they told us people who "don't know God go to hell," I took it literally.

I've been sharing more commentary on "The Church" recently, and this commentary has caused a bit of a stir with my readers (many of whom came for the Autism and NeuroDiversity content without realizing there's a bit more to the NeuroDivergent Rebel Blog than NeuroDiversity).

A large shadow of a cross haunts a beautiful orange and dark purple sunset.

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CONTENT WARNING: ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis), Religious Trauma, trans and homophobia, and other themes that may trigger some readers.

The NeuroDivergent Rebel Blog is a blog by and about me, Lyric Lark Rivera, the NeuroDivergent Rebel, and my life, hopes, dreams, and opinions (which are heavily influenced by the fact that I suddenly became aware of my NeuroDivergence at the age of 29, when I was diagnosed Autistic while in a mental and physical health crisis).

I, Lyric Rivera, am "more than my Autism" (as people frequently remind me when I use identity-first language, "I am Autistic" to describe myself).

It's funny how the same people who want me to be "more than my Autism" often are the same people who will disapprove when I speak about something they don't believe is related to being Autistic.

"Stick to Autism," they said when I first came out NonBinary (GenderFluid) in the summer of 2020. "This doesn't belong in the public eye," others insisted.

I was most horrified by non-autistic and cisgender people who voiced concerns that my "public change" could "trigger a wave of confusion" and somehow "contaminate" my "vulnerable" Autistic readers.

Multiple people told me that I could not know my own gender BECAUSE I am Autistic.

Back then, it quickly became apparent to me that many people (who were neither Autistic nor trans) felt as if Autistic People (who often are very introspective) are incapable of understanding concepts like gender.

Feeling sharp, Lyric is in a tan fedora hat with a floral print on the hat band. They pose in their RV; one can see it is nighttime as the windows are dark outside.

Part of my personal Autistic experience is that I understand and view social constructs, like gender, with clarity (because I sit outside of those constructs, observing them closely, often without feeling compelled to comply with them).

I had a similar experience with The Church growing up.

It was difficult for me to "go along" with what they taught in Sunday school, and when they told us people who "don't know God go to hell," I took it literally.

Raised to believe every creature has a life force and feelings and is not lesser than me, I immediately found myself at odds when the Sunday school teacher explained to the class one Sunday that "animals don't have souls" and therefore "cannot get into heaven."

Most of my best friends were animals. If there were no animals in heaven, it sounded more like Hell to me.

Hell, damnation, and fire were where I thought I was headed for the first eleven years of my life because I couldn't force myself to believe in the Christian God or Jesus (even though I desperately wanted to).

Had these stories been presented to me as stores (and not as if they were historical events), I might have been able to appreciate and learn from them. Still, because everyone else seemed to believe and be able to find "faith" (which I could never muster), I took it as a personal failing.

Part of my personal Autistic Experience is that I often can be very logical about things (when I'm not in a state of overwhelm).

When I am overwhelmed, it is ALL emotions (and that's another story).

Dictionary.com defines indoctrination as "the process of teaching a person or group to accept a set of beliefs uncritically."

However, by nature, I am a very critical and analytical person. This means this type of training (I wouldn't call it teaching) doesn't work well (and was very traumatic) for me.

My experience with religious indoctrination, starting when I was very young (and the resulting trauma I experienced because of this experience), was influenced by the fact that I am Autistic.

I have a very literal, analytical way of thinking, which was not conducive to how The Church typically "programs" its young people.

Me, questioning The Church and being Autistic... It's all connected.

My breaking down, blaming myself, believing I was defective, broken, damaged, and some "unsavable sinner," crying myself to sleep at night for years, plagued by nightmares and fears about the Hell I was convinced I was damned to (because I couldn't force myself to believe in this "magical man in the sky") was tied to me being Autistic.

I couldn't "just believe" because I am Autistic.

I couldn't “forget” or “stop thinking” about the passages and stories that I heard in Church because I am Autistic.

I took the stories literally when I was told they were "historical" because I am Autistic.

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I hope this helps,
- Lyric