Things I Didn’t Realize Were Related to Being NeuroDivergent (Autistic and ADHD or AuDHD) Before I Was Diagnosed “with Autism” and ADHD
You may relate to some things on my list if you are Autistic and ADHD. You may also not connect with my list (because we are all unique individuals).
Hey, Humans, Lyric here, the NeuroDivergent Rebel, and as many of you already understand, I didn't know I was Autistic for the first 29 years. I've always been Autistic. My ADHD wasn't discovered until a few years later when I was in my mid-30s.
I am multiply NeuroDivergent. Specifically, AuDHD, short for having an Autistic and ADHD combined NeuroType. My combination of NeuroTypes (I'm also Hyperlexic and have an anxiety disorder) influence my experience of the world around me.
Before I dive into this list of things I didn't know were related to being NeuroDivergent, I feel obligated to note that this is my PERSONAL list related to my specific combination of NeuroTypes, meaning these may not be accurate for every NeuroDivergent Person or NeuroType or even for every Autistic ADHDer out there.
These things are true for me, but each person is an individual, and we are all unique and have vastly different experiences (even if we have the same NeruoType or combination of NeuroTypes).
You may relate to some things on my list if you are Autistic and ADHD. You may also not connect with my list (because we are all unique individuals).
This list, based entirely on my experience as ONE NeuroDivergent Person, should NOT be used to diagnose or disqualify anyone from any NeuroType. (If you relate strongly, it could cue you to dig further into why you connect to my words so strongly.)
If you're a NeuroTypical reader, please do not consider this a definitive list.
Let's dive in now that the disclaimers are out of the way.
Looking back at my life as an undiscovered NeuroDivergent Person, one of the first things I realized was that all of my struggles in school were because of my undiscovered Autism and ADHD growing up – without a doubt.
That's because the school systems (like most systems in society) cater to and are set up to support the neuromajority and those with the "average" NeuroTypical learning style (if such a thing exists).
These structures are often harmful to those in the neurominority (NeuroDivergent People – those whose brains diverge from what is considered "typical" for the culture they live in) because our needs are not considered.
Historically, NeuroDivergent people haven't had much opportunity to give input when developing these systems because we are often pathologized and told that our ways of doing things, thinking, and experiencing the world are wrong and we are broken.
Over and over again, we are asked to try harder to fit into these broken, outdated systems instead of flexing the systems so that we may evolve and find solutions that work well for everyone.
Systems and structures that favor the majority will often miss, exclude, and harm the outliers.
If you struggled in school, this could be one clue that your brain type may be one our society's systems don't cater to, as this system is often one of the first systems NeuroDivergent people will struggle with starting at a young age.
My Autistic thinking, and my ADHD, made the classroom experience a nightmare for me (and my teachers). It also explained why the classroom gave me sensory overload, another thing we'll get to in a minute.
Another thing I experience but didn't know was related to being Autistic before being diagnosed as an adult is situational mutism (sometimes called selective mutism).
I hate the term "selective" because there's nothing selective about it, which is why many of us call this phenomenon "situational mutism" instead.
People who experience situational mutism sometimes lose the ability to speak when anxious or overwhelmed. This verbal shutdown happens due to anxiety and overwhelm. It is NOT a refusal to speak.
It is an incredibly frustrating feeling, wanting to communicate and not being able to or not being heard - especially when you know what you want or need to say. Frustrating because even if I know exactly what I want to say, my brain forgets where my mouth is and how to make words.
Autism explained all the times I became trapped inside myself over the years, knowing EXACTLY what I wanted to say (screaming on the inside) but could not move my mouth to make the words come out physically.
One of the first times this happened to me was in elementary school. Nervous about speaking in front of other children in the class, I could not read what was on the paper before me when my turn in circle reading time came.
My mouth could not move to make the words come out, despite knowing exactly what words I wanted to say. It did not matter that I could read far above my grade level and knew the words and their meanings or that I got in trouble for "not reading" when my teacher requested it.
The fact that I was Hyperlexic made it worse.
Being Hyperlexic, teaching myself to read at age one and a half, and having an advanced vocabulary, reading at college level in elementary school, is related to being Autistic.
Hyperlexic kids often can read far above grade level and can read and write at levels far above their spoken abilities. We are often gifted in this one area but need help and can struggle significantly in other areas.
Also, I should mention when we're talking about Hyperlexia and having advanced reading ability, being related to being Autistic, Autistic People are also likely to be Dyslexic or have Dyscalculia, Dyspraxia, or other learning differences in it as well, so not all of us are advanced readers. Some of us do struggle with reading. It depends on how we process communication and information.
Because I'd already proven in standardized testing that I COULD read (at an advanced level), my inability to read with an audience (due to anxiety) was perceived and treated as a behavioral problem - a REFUSAL.
No matter how much my teacher scolded me for it, I still could not read aloud (in fact, her scoldings and punishments only made the anxiety that prevented me from speaking worse).
In general, due to my advanced vocabulary (thanks to my Hyperlexia) and my tendency to speak like a little professor (another cue someone MIGHT be Autistic), people thought me to be wise beyond my years and more mature than I actually was. Expectations were higher because of this (often out of reach).
This over (or under) estimation didn't happen just in circle reading time but in many areas and activities of my life. Because people lead with NeuroTypical expectations (even for those of us who are NeuroDivergent), people often want more (or expect less) from me than I'm capable of - which is why I've experienced a lifetime of reoccurring burnouts starting in elementary school.
Autism explains the repeated Autistic Burnouts (or Regressions) I experienced starting elementary school.
I didn't realize my constant recurring burnouts (now known to me as Autistic Burnout) were related to being Autistic. Ironic because these burnouts eventually led to my late Autism diagnosis.
Some Autistic people have a "talent" for pushing themselves past where they should push themselves. I am one of those Autistic People who repeatedly experienced Autistic Burnout in their lives.
A combination of environmental stressors, including sensory-related triggers and unfair expectations, combined with my inability to speak up and advocated for my needs and boundaries (because I didn't know what they were since I didn't know I was Autistic), caused me to burnout over and over again starting in elementary school.
Autism explains why I'm clumsy and have poor handwriting.
Clumsyness is related to my sensory and motor control; many Autistcs experience differences. I can roller skate and do complex hoop tricks, but I am also always walking into walls and doors, smacking my head on things, busting my butt on things, and falling on myself, and I also struggle with driving.
It takes me longer to learn things, a lot of times, especially bodily movement kinds of things. I tend to be awkward, clumsy, and off balance, but eventually, with enough practice, muscle memory takes over, and then I get out of my head. When I'm no longer thinking about bodily movements, I get into a flow state, and then it's smooth sailing and graceful moves.
Learning the flow of many things takes me longer because I have a disconnection between my mind and body, especially my feet.
My handwriting is also atrocious, and writing by hand is physically painful (though I can type reasonably fast). That's something else related to my fine motor control.
Because of this, one of the first accommodations I received in elementary school (even without an official diagnosis) was the (mandatory) use of a typewriter, so my teacher wouldn't have to put up with my atrocious and un-improving penmanship.
Another great (that I didn't know was related to being Autistic) is my ability to hyper-focus on topics that catch my attention and my passion when something catches my interest.
When I was a kid, I could tell you every dog breed. My mom would say, "What kind of dog is that?" I would guess a breed mixed with another. Then my mom would go, and we'd ask the owner, "What breed of dog is this?" And I'd almost always be correct.
Because I was really into dogs, I had to know everything about all of the dogs. I needed to have all of the knowledge.
It was a neat trick when I was little, but it wasn't a particularly useful skill. Still, eventually, that interest did evolve into an interest in dog training, animal behavior, and animal training. Then I got really into behaviorism and human psychology for a while. Now I care more about cross-species communication and communicating and building relationships with animals.
The problem is that adults would see this ability to retain large amounts of data and information about dogs (or another topic that interested me) and expect me to be able to maintain and focus on topics that didn't interest me (at all) the same ease and enthusiasm - which was impossible.
Even now, my special interests choose me. I do NOT select my interests. If I could pick my interests, I would be a mighty creature, but my brain doesn't work that way.
Because I cannot control where my hyperfocus goes at will, I was often seen as lazy and punished for "failing to apply myself to my full abilities," whatever that meant.
Looking back, a LOT of what I got in trouble or scolded for in school (and life) was related to my undiscovered NeuroDivdrgence.
Growing up, much of what was labeled "bad" behavior (when nobody knew I was NeuroDivergent) can be attributed to my NeuroDivergent traits.
My hyperactivity, impulsiveness, and inability to be still (causing MANY problems for me in school) can all be attributed to my ADHD.
Looking back, Autism explained my sensory distress, overloads, meltdowns, and shutdowns.
Why my whole world would fall apart, I would sometimes have these explosive meltdowns and reactions to things other people didn't react to.
Everything makes much more sense - the meltdowns, the upset over changes, and the explosive outbursts.
My Love (and need for) Routines
A considerable thing related to being Autistic (that I didn't know wasn't associated with being Autistic) is my love and need for routines and also why I would freak out and get so upset with people and with changes of plans, melting down when things would be sprung on me last minute.
That was a big eye-opener because when I didn't understand my Autistic brain, I didn't know why I would feel upset about things other people weren't upset about.
I would get REALLY upset about changes to my plans and routines.
Even if the changes were being made that I might be excited about, if I had been the one to introduce them, I would need help dealing with them. I had my mind set on doing one thing.
Sensory Things: Sensory Seeking and Aversion
Being NeuroDivergent impacts how we process sensory information (which can impact our communication).
Sensory seeking: loving, glitter, and twinkly things, and sad and cutting, and wanting to be in the water all of the time, and needing to feel the hot sun on my skin, and being avoidant to cold.
Sensory aversions: my intense need to avoid sensory things that are unpleasant to me, bright overhead lights, cerian smells, different fabrics, food flavors, and textures. Bright blue lights burn my eyes and brain (and can give me seizures with prolonged exposure). I can't handle cool air or certain fabrics on my skin.
Also, being gaslit by people (and told that I was being wimpy or complaining too much about sensory things my entire life) is related to being NeuroDivergent in a world of NeuroTypical People (who don't know what it's like to have an intense sensory experience).
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