When Logic Fails: Understanding Phobias and Trauma

From Shame to Compassion: My Path to Self-Understanding

Content Warning: Discussions of medical treatments, trauma, phobias, doctors, injuries, and physical health, descriptions of feet

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As I've come to understand, Phobias (and trauma responses) are not bound by a predictable path or logic. They can manifest in unexpected ways, often catching both the individual and those around them off guard. This unpredictability is a crucial aspect of phobias (and trauma triggers) that I hope to shed light on (so that people can become more empathetic and understanding towards those who experience them).

I'm afraid of doctors, medical procedures, shots, and anything medical-related. I also used to be terrified of feet.

Being afraid of my feet was embarrassing, and I got in trouble more than once because of it. One noteworthy incident was during choir practice (in tenth or eleventh grade).

I was a soprano, and the altos were resting in the chairs next to us while we (the sopranos) were practicing our part.

In the middle of our practice, mid-song, I glanced down briefly towards the alto sitting in the closest chair next to me, waiting to sing next, and was not prepared for what I saw.

My eyes locked on my neighbor's interwoven toes and fingers. Their slimy, lotioned-up, barefoot was mere inches from me (as they vigorously rubbed lotion between their naked toes).

My reaction to this horror was intense, to say the least.

I leaped backward over multiple rows of chairs as if fleeing from a dangerous animal, letting out a loud shriek before falling onto the floor, curled in a ball, crying and wrenching, trying not to vomit as the world swirled around me.  

At that moment, in my panic, I completely forgot that I was in the middle of singing a song in a room with a teacher and thirty-five judgy teenagers.

Unamused by the interruption to his classroom, the choir director sent me into the hallway to compose myself after a quick scolding for my disruption.

Those who witnessed my over-the-top display of emotions did not appreciate it, and I felt great shame about how I'd reacted in that moment of panic when my adrenaline was pumping.

I don't remember my punishment for the outburst (if there was one). Yet, I remember being treated as if I'd intentionally "had an outburst" to "get attention" - despite wanting nothing more than to be invisible when the incident happened.

I didn't need to be punished; my embarrassment (and the weeks and months of mocking, scolding, and torture with foot jokes and pranks from my peers would be more punishment than any teacher could ever dish out).

I have always been (and still am) very good at "punishing" and shaming myself - something I'm trying to do less of these days because I now know punishment isn't the answer - Love is.

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When I didn't understand how brains work, I was much harder on myself, especially when overwhelmed.

Sometimes, I can still be very hard on myself (especially when my mind's logical and emotional parts conflict with each other). However, working to understand better how all human brains can become limited when high emotions and stimulation occur has helped me to be much more compassionate with myself (and others) in times of overwhelm.

Overwhelms, meltdowns, shutdowns, overloads, times of extreme stress, panic attacks, trauma responses, flashbacks - when a person is in a heightened emotional state, it can be difficult, if not impossible, to act with clarity.

For most of my life, I didn't understand this (how people's ability to use logic and reason can fluctuate). I expected myself to have complete control over my ability to act clearly at all times (even when I'd been pushed past my breaking point) - an impossible goal.

I know (now) why I can't act "logically" when I am overwhelmed mentally. However, I still feel shame occasionally (especially when being overwhelmed leads me to engage in regrettable behavior that may cause those who witness it to think less of me because of what they glimpse in my worst moments).

People without phobias and traumas don't understand the strong panic reaction that can occur when a non-life-threatening trigger sets you off, making you feel as if your life is in grave danger (even when you're totally safe).

Being terrified of feet was embarrassing.

Who's scared of feet? They're not even dangerous and cannot do anything if they're not attached to a person.

I hated being afraid of feet, and once everyone knew I was scared of feet, the tournament (and intentional triggering of my foot phobia) went on and on.

Thankfully, my fear of feet dissipated at some point (though I don't know when). I still don't care for feet, but I am no longer bothered by them.

While my fear of feet has thankfully dissipated, my medical phobia, which initially centered around needles, has only intensified over the years.

Over the years, as a hypermobile person who is prone to injuries and has more than one chronic health condition, I've had countless encounters with doctors. These encounters, often involving distressing procedures and poor treatment by those who I trusted to care for me, have only served to reinforce my fear.

My medical phobia came from medical trauma.

Trauma triggers are similar to phobia triggers that come without memorable triggers, in my experience as someone who has experienced both. However, my trauma triggers have been challenging to get past (because they come from past experiences and are tied to painful or scary memories).

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I hope this helps,
- Lyric