I ghost people. I disappear and drop contact, leaving people feeling like I don't like or care about them.
I'm sorry to everyone I ghosted when I assumed you hated me.
ID: Lyric, a pale skinned nonbinary person with long black hair hair with dark green ends and shaved sides (down). is sitting in an RV dining room table and their sofa and a window with the closed blinds can be seen behind them. They are wearing a black tank-top.
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Transcript:
Lyric Rivera: Hey everyone, Lyric here, and today I have a confession that I need to make to all of you.
I do something from time to time, and I don't mean to do it, but my mind tricks me, and I do it anyway. Today I'm going to put it all out there, and if you'd like to know more, please do stay tuned.
Lyric Rivera: Hi everyone, I'm Lyric Rivera. I am the best selling author of the business book Workplace Neurodiversity Rising, and I am also known online as the Neurodivergent Rebel.
Today I felt really compelled to confess something that I do, because when I do this thing that I do, people don't understand the reasons behind why I do it, and sometimes it can be hurtful to other people, who don't know what's going on, and that confession of what I do, that I don't mean to do, is I ghost people sometimes.
I disappear for periods of time, or just entirely, and I - I will perhaps drop contact with someone, and that can leave people feeling like I don't care about them, which is not the case, most of the time, when this happens. It's not because I don't care about people.
There are a few main reasons that I ghost people and will like disappear on people:
One might be, that I temporarily disappear for a few weeks, or a few months, that I get really hyper focused on something, and I drop contact with everyone.
Not, not just the one person, but it's everyone. I'll drop contact when I become hyper focused on something, except David, because David lives here. So, David, will be around, but even David, living with me, if I become very hyper focused on something, I might kind of just go inward on myself, so much that even David might feel alone and isolated from me- even though we're physically in the same place, because I am so stuck in my own head, that I isolate from everyone, because I am just in my own little brain bubble, and everyone on the outside just kind of doesn't exist, and I don't realize time is passing. So that's one thing that can cause me to, kind of, go away for a while, and people think it's because I don't like them, I don't care about them.
It's just because I have this inability to sense that, "Oh my God, it's been like six months since we talked!" because I've just been obsessed about this one thing for six months, it's enveloped my entire brain, and it's all I could think about, and I didn't realize it had been six months. It felt like I just saw you yesterday... which is hard for people to understand who don't have that monotropism, which is something that's really common in Autistic people.
That impacts my relationships.
And that's the lighter, more fun, easy to talk about reason I sometimes disappear, and just go away for a while, but there are two other reasons that this happens, that aren't as nice, aren't as happy and lighthearted.
And one of the main things, that happens to me: in the world we live in is that often, because there are so many expectations and demands on me, or if there's like a change, because I'm struggling to maintain all of the demands expected of me.
Like I have all the cards stacked like a whole house of cards, like everything is stacked very carefully.
So if something changes, my whole house of cards falls down and I've gotta' readjust to what The new normal is, and I struggle with that a lot.
If I'm going through change, I can go inward on myself, or if I've just got too much going on, or if I'm just overwhelmed, or if I get burnt out, which happens a lot, because there's so many demands, and not a lot of time and space to recover from those demands in the world we live in today- just survival, right?
It's exhausting having to work and, with the price of groceries being ridiculous, and all those things.
It's like, "ah, life is really a lot!"
Then, I become too overwhelmed, and when you are in a hyper vigilant, overwhelmed state, your brain isn't in that pro social, way of being.
You're not thinking about socializing when your foundational needs of just safety and survival aren't met. It's hard to be in a pro social state.
Sometimes, as a neurodivergent person who's just in survival mode a lot, I am burnt out, and I am withdrawn for that reason because I'm just like, I just like, "I just can't, I just can't, I just-", I just need to stop and just be alone for a while, and so like, I just need a lot of recovery time.
And so that's the second reason that sometimes I will disappear and people won't see me for a while.
Sometimes people take that personally, because I'm not always good at communicating why this is the case, because it's hard to share this with people, if you don't think they're going to understand what it is you're trying to say.
So, that's another thing that can happen, and I'll just disappear for a while but, eventually, I will come back, but, maybe it's been too long.
Like for example, I was diagnosed Autistic at the age of 29, because I was burnt out, and really physically and mentally unwell. That was eight years ago.
It took me about four and a half to five years to really start climbing out of, and recovering from, the burnout that led to me being diagnosed Autistic.
So if you disappear on your friends for five years, and you just go away, and you stop seeing anybody...
I'm going to cry right now- emotions.
When you come back from being gone for- years, like that, your friends, a lot of times, are all gone, because they didn't wait around for you while you were burnt out.
And so that's like one reason you can lose people.
Oh, I didn't think I was going to get emotional with this one today.
Um, so that's one reason you can get... lost from people, you can lose people... When you just get burnt out and you can't, if you're burnt out for years, and extended periods of time, and you come back, it's like, you come back, and the world you left before you were burnt out might not be there, waiting for you anymore, when you come back, and everything's really, very different, all of a sudden. That, that's, that's, a thing and obviously... personal, uh, to me.
Then there's the other thing that happens.... this is the thing I thought I was a lot more likely to cry about, than that other thing, is the third thing for me, if I disappear on people, and I go quiet... and this is the one that might make me disappear really long term is:
Something in my brain told me I was unlikable, and I was a burden, and the people, that probably actually like me just fine, (I can see this from the outside, now)... .they probably "like me fine," but something in me told me "Nobody likes you. Why would you try to people?"
It's really sad that... that's a trick my brain plays, telling me people are mad at me, or don't like me, or think I'm annoying, and would be better off without me... even about people that this is absolutely not true about sometimes, like it's a trick my mind plays... and that, that makes relationships very difficult.
It makes maintaining relationships very difficult, and if I'm going to force myself, to socialize, when my brain is elsewhere, or I'm not in that social state, and I'm just not there... it would be as if I'm like really distracted, and I'm not really engaged, because I'm stuck in my own head.
If I'm hyper focused on something, I might be stuck on whatever I was hyper focusing on, or if I was just dealing with feelings of unworthiness, and feeling like I'm not enough, I might just be sitting around spiraling into that "I don't belong here. I'm not enough."
Other people would likely (I know now, I didn't always know this)... when I'm in a funky mental space, like other people don't necessarily... understand all that's going on, so they might sense I'm off and then they're like, "Oh, you don't even want to be here." And it's like... not exactly...
I don't have the mental capacity to be here right now, and so I forced myself, because I felt I was expected and it just, you know, it just can't really win. Right?
I feel if I don't force myself to socialize, people are going to think I don't want to spend time with them, but then I forced myself to socialize, when I'm not in that mental state (that pro social mental state) and then people think I don't want to spend time with them, because I'm not engaged, or my mind is elsewhere, or I'm just like in my own head, and that puts a wedge, a wedge between me and people... that I care about.
The other thing is that sometimes people just expect a lot more attention than I am able to give them, either in, in a given moment or just in general, they need more quality time from a person, than, than I do, or than I have, because social things really do wear me down.
So, if people don't hear from me for a few days, or a few months, it might seem really short to me, but, it can seem a lot longer to them.
Also, with that third bullet point of "having trouble believing that people could actually want me around," like that is related to being a neurodivergent person and not knowing I was neurodivergent growing up, and the trauma that I experienced related to... being Autistic, and being in a world that just was really cruel to me.
So that life experience, in 29 years not knowing why I just felt like I was not enough... really impacted my sense of self worth, and my self perception, and my relationships with other people, and that's made it really hard for me to start new relationships.
Also, because I'm aware that I don't always pick up on the unspoken, or I take people at what they say and their... ...
I don't necessarily pick up on the lies and the manipulations, unless I'm really on hyper vigilance and looking for them, and being hyper vigilant is- it's counterproductive if you're trying to be social.
It's very hard to be social when you're hypervigilant around people.
So that's why being Autistic growing up, and then the resulting repeated trauma, led me to also having social phobias.
My official diagnosis, social anxiety disorder, that was diagnosed at the same time I was diagnosed as being Autistic...
I wasn't born with social anxiety disorder. This is something that I developed, because people were not very nice to me, when I was growing up, especially other kids, and people that were supposed to be my peers. Sometimes even adults, and authority figures were unkind to me -even if that wasn't their intention.
Just not understanding me, and how my brain worked, and assuming my mind worked like everyone else's mind led to unkindness... because "treat people how you'd like to be treated" doesn't work when other people don't want to be treated how you would like to be treated -if that makes sense.
I needed to be treated differently than other people were being treated, but nobody knew that, so that was really traumatic for me, as an Autistic person. That was a repeated trauma, that happened over and over again, my entire life. So I'm recovering from that, and though logically now I can see this response happening in that it's not necessarily true that people feel that way about me... it's still like this, when I'm triggered, I can't shake that feeling.
So new relationships are really hard, especially new relationships, while I'm trying to figure out people, and find out if they're actually safe for me.
Often, in my social engagements, I will be flooded with panic and dread, especially over new people, like, "do they have ulterior motives" or am I, "am I going to get hurt, by this person?"
That really triggers a lot of parts of myself, that are very raw and very unhealed, and fear for my physical and mental safety, and it's not an unreasonable fear, because there actually has been past experiences, that were traumatizing in my life, repeated past experiences that were traumatizing in my life, because of interactions I have with other people.
That can cause me to really shut down and push people away. That, that fear and that, that self doubt, and also that need for like protection, and to keep myself safe- pushing everybody away to keep myself safe... that fear is often a lot stronger than my longing for connection, and my need for friendship, and the loneliness that I feel, because, other than the very few connections I have, and the people that are understanding and kind and compassionate to the fact that sometimes I disappear. I'm going to do this.
Other than those people, and there are... not many people, because people, most people, want more from me than I can give. I'm really, I'm really isolated... and I'm really alone.
People know of me, but a lot of people, because I don't feel safe enough sharing, don't really know A lot about the real mess that's going on in here, and what's really going on, and everything, because I keep, I keep it guarded.
Like I'm selective of what I share.
Like people think, "Oh, you share so much about being Autistic." And it's like, "yeah, I share what I'm comfortable sharing about that experience. But there's a lot about my neurodivergent experience that I don't share," because I just... don't feel it's anybody's business.
Once upon a time, I would have thought everyone was entitled to that. So that's growth, knowing that boundary, keeping that for myself. So gotta be a little proud of that. Right?
That's just the hard thing, because when I disappear, people often assume I'm disappearing because of them, but more than likely it has very little to do with them, and everything to do with me, and things that happened to me, as I was growing up.
I'd like to know if anyone else listening has had a similar experience. If you would like to know more about Some of the specific events... that are impacting this experience that I have today, that happened to me as a child growing up, let me know. I do have probably a whole other video full of things.
I could share some actual stories, but I just thought I wanted to kind of shed some light on why your anxious friends and your neurodivergent friends who are teetering on burnout might disappear for extended periods of time... for months, or years, or weeks, and then just poof! -"We're back!"
"Hi, I'm back!...", like nothing happened, or maybe like something happened. We wander back and we're like, "hi, it's been years, let's pick up where we left off," and you're just like... "what?" Neurodivergence can play into that.
So, if you are someone who does any of these, I'd love to know.
I was hoping to share this so that we could see we're all not alone.
Also if someone's ever ghosted you, or disappeared on you, I hope this helps you understand that (most likely) It didn't mean that there was something wrong with you, or that there's anything to do with you.
Some of us anxious people... it's just a thing we do, and some of us, we're just trying to survive. If we're in survival mode, some of us disappear from time to time.
So whichever you've experienced, I send you my love, because I know it's not easy being on either side.
Thank you so much for listening. I appreciate you all so much. I will talk to you next month. Uh, and if you have any questions, suggestions, or ideas for future video topics, please feel free to leave them in the comments below.
Talk to you next time. Bye.
and I'll see you in the next video.
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