Check on your strong friend. They're usually the one bleeding in silence.

When I'm hurting, I tend to retreat, much like a wounded animal.

I've seen a meme floating around for a few years. It says something like:

"Check on your strong friend. They're usually the one bleeding in silence."

Two hands reaching out for each other, one with thorns and the other one bleeding.

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Though I don't know who said it (because every time I see the quote, it is never associated with a name or credited), the first time I read it, it resonated with me because I am someone people think of as "the strong friend" - even if I don't feel that way about myself (especially recently).  

When I'm hurting, I tend to retreat, much like a wounded animal. I hide my discomfort, fearing that if I show my struggle, I'll be left behind or worse, rejected by the pack. This struggle is something I've grappled with for a long time, and it's not easy.

For most of my life, I didn't let my pain show (unless it was showing up as anger). Anger felt like a safer emotion for me, making me feel powerful instead of weak and vulnerable.

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Hiding my feelings was NOT strength.

Hiding my feelings, suffering in silence, and keeping all my pain to myself wasn't "bravery," just like holding my tongue to keep the external peace (sacrificing my internal peace) wasn't benefiting my relationships with people.

For most of my life, I thought strength was the ability to repress or detach from one's emotions. However, now that I have lost that ability (to repress and pause), I know that sitting and being present with intense and unpleasant feelings (instead of ignoring and avoiding them) takes REAL STRENGTH—more strength than I had when I was suppressing my feelings (strength I am building, but I don't feel as if I really "have" just yet).

From a young age, I learned that it wasn't safe to show my vulnerability, to ask for help. Every time I did, it seemed to backfire, leaving me feeling more alone and rejected.

"If you just tried a little harder."

People always seemed to expect more (or less) from me than I could give and responded poorly whenever I fell short. Their reactions left me feeling like my best wasn't (and never would be) enough.

People often wanted or expected more out of me because most of them falsely believed I "wasn't applying myself" and were sure I could do better "if I would put in a bit more effort," but my best was all I could give.  

While some people overestimated me, others underestimated my capabilities, picking up on the fact that I sometimes struggled with "simple things" - assuming my struggles in one area meant I couldn't complete complex tasks.

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I hope this helps,
- Lyric