Learning to Tune In - After a Lifetime of Tuning Out

I was no longer "comfortably numb." I was "uncomfortably aware." However, the here and now were still foreign to me, and I would have to learn how to cope with my newly recovered sense of awareness.

May 04, 2024

I was 25 when I first remember feeling like "something was different" with me. However, at that moment in my life, I did not understand ANYTHING about mental health; therefore, I did not have the words or knowledge to explain or understand what was wrong or happening to me.

In my early 20s, as I became more self-aware of my various internal states, I started noticing what I now know to be anxiety and an inability to keep my mind in the present (because my mind liked to wander fifty paces ahead into the future, worrying over all the possible bad things that could happen to me - even when I was in no danger).

Old, black and white image of Lyric in their mid-20s. They are walking two large dogs (Dusty and Rockey) while wearing heels, a black dress, and a black purse over their arm.

Before that point, anxiety, panic, depression, passive ideation, and distress had been my normal. Because I'd never known anything other than being in survival mode (in a constant state of hypervigilance), it was difficult for me to envision mental stability (especially when I was mostly unaware of my own instability).

I knew my worries were making me miserable, but it didn't occur to me to talk to someone about my whirling mind. Instead, I started searching for ways to slow it down or force it to stop.

The best non-medical remedies I found to slow and ground my mind were breathing exercises, yoga, music (singing and dance), flow arts, meditation, and cannabis—all of which I dove into entirely upon finding relief in them.

Lyric in their mid-20s, with pink and purple hair, in a jungle skirt, off the shoulder, sleeved net top.and red, silver, and blue Sketchers Roller Skates.

These tools were instrumental in my healing (because they allowed me to stabilize myself-helping me reconnect with a body I'd been ignoring and neglecting for years). However, they were simply triage, vital, life-saving support that I needed in place before the real inner work would start years later (when I would finally find the first key that would help me better understand my mind - Autism).

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I've deeply mistrusted doctors for most of my life.

Something scary happened at a doctor's office when I was very young (before age 3).

I can't remember exactly what scared me. However, I do know that every doctor visit since that age, I've faced increasing amounts of dread and anxiety any time I am forced to visit the doctor's office or have ANYTHING medical done to me.

This phobia has only worsened as I age. The last time I went to the doctor was during the pandemic; before that, the last time was when I was diagnosed with hypermobility disorder, and before that was the long series of appointments that eventually led to my Autism diagnosis.

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Now, I can't even bring myself to book an appointment.

It's gotten so bad I break out in full-body sweats, get dizzy and pass out, and or throw up any time I go for testing. So I don't go.

It was hard going in for all of the tests that my GP ordered on my stomach and digestive system when I was sick for most of 2016 after my employer moved to a new office (where I had to sit under fluorescent lighting instead of natural lighting-like I had previously worked under). However, because of how sick I was becoming (and this not being the first time I'd been ill like this), I was worried enough to face my fears and go for test after test.

In the years leading up to this breakdown, I had done a lot of mindfulness and meditation work, learning to tune into myself after many years of tuning out.

Lyric doing AcroYoga, they are balanced on the feet of a tall base, doing a complex pose. They scene is a rave style party, with black lights and glow paint.

Physically, I "was fine" - they said, but I was also visibly ill. Down to 95 lbs (a weight that I've not been at since middle school, which is WAY too low for someone of my height and build).

"Fine," but wasting away in front of their eyes. "Fine" but spending multiple days each week disoriented, sick, confused, and in pain. "Fine," but I was losing chunks of time. "Fine," but I was contemplating driving off a bridge.

My doctor kept telling me I was "fine," but I knew I was not "fine," and every time a test came back negative, it was salt in the wound.

I was not okay and was afraid of what might happen if I didn't find the answer to why; however, everyone around me seemed to think I was "doing great" or I "should be doing great" even when I tried to tell them otherwise.

Without help and failing to be believed, I turned to the tools I had found that helped me put things on pause (breathing, flow, meditation). The more mindfulness, meditation, and self-reflection work I did, the more I tuned into the body I'd learned to tune out.

Sensations, feelings, and memories I'd repressed started returning.

As I tuned in, it became more difficult to ignore my physical discomfort.

It was like I'd been driving down a cloudy mountain road and finally popped out of the could, cruising into clear skies.

Everything I'd trained myself to tune out now became front and center... I was uncomfortable and aware of my discomfort (which I had no coping strategies in place to handle) for the first time in many years.

I was no longer "comfortably numb." I was "uncomfortably aware."