We're Pushing People Away, and We Need to Do Better.
We often do a poor job of being kind and nurturing to people who are at the beginning stages of their learning journeys.
Since I started working online, trying to help Autism with its PR Problem seven and a half years ago, I've moved onto 'more advanced' subjects (like The Double Empathy Problem, NeuroDivergent and Queer Intersections, NeuroDivergence and Trauma, and Conversion Therapy).
While I don't often delve into the basics these days, a recent reminder from a trusted colleague has underscored the fact that our learning journeys are always in motion and always evolving.
My journey of understanding Autism and Neurodiversity has been a continuous process. I started with a lack of information, but I've built upon my knowledge over the years, constantly seeking to deepen my understanding.
When this blog was started, I was exploring the basics (what are meltdowns, shutdowns, sensory processing differences, what is Autism, etc.).
After mastering the basics of Autism, my thirst for knowledge led me to explore more complex and advanced topics. This shift in focus reflects the evolution of my understanding and the depth of my learning journey.
At the beginning of my Autism journey, I often felt isolated. The people around me had a narrow understanding of Autism, shaped by media portrayals and personal experiences with a single individual. This limited view did not align with my own experiences and struggles.
To most people, Autism was only those of us who are struggling immensely, who will never speak, care for ourselves, have relationships, or work. To them, Autism was only pain, struggles, and suffering.
For me to say, with my mouth, that I "am Autistic" was received like a slap in the face, as if my words were a physical assault on the hearer's ears.
People could not see me as Autistic because of their incorrect assumptions of what Autism was.
Though things have gotten better online and in Autism spaces over the years (and many people in the Autistic Community now know how broad the spectrum is), for the most part, people outside of the Autism and NeuroDiversty sphere still don't understand that you can be Autistic and thrive in different areas of your life.
Many people today (possibly most) still think Autism is always an Autistic Person with multiple additional complex disabilities, which significantly limit the person's ability to care for themselves and live independently or work or someone who is Autism+ (Autism + co-occurring conditions).
Over the years, my views on these topics have grown deeper, evolving as new information is processed and absorbed.
I don't have the same views and opinions I did eight years ago (when I didn't yet know I was Autistic, yet).
I don't have the same views as five or even two years ago.
I'm hardly the same person I was when I was newly diagnosed because my diagnosis was a pivotal moment in my life, and I've grown as a person since then (as we often do).
When you know better, you do better. This growth is a testament to the human potential for personal evolution and change.
We're all at different points; some are still exploring the basics, and that's okay! Our community is rich and diverse, and every perspective is valuable.
We still have work to do.
We don't give people room to learn and grow; we cut them down and shame them for making mistakes, creating a hostile and unsafe learning environment and preventing open and authentic communication between group members.
You can't learn when you're terrified of making a mistake.
People hold back, become afraid to speak up, and are scared to try because they don't want to make a mistake.
Some are convinced they will get things wrong no matter what, so they don't even try to learn (because they've seen how group members shut down, punish, shame, and shun those who make mistakes), knowing they can't handle the abuse that will come to them if they have a misstep.
Many will watch quietly, afraid to weigh in on anything, and eventually leave.
We often do a poor job of being kind and nurturing to people who are at the beginning stages of their learning journeys.
We need to do better.
We shame, belittle, and push people away when their only crime is not having the knowledge that we do.
Instead of gently educating someone who doesn't know what we know, we become activated, angry, and hostile, channeling our anger and pain onto new learners who make innocent mistakes, not realizing they're about to set foot on a landmine.
I know I’ve been guilty of this in the past, and I have actively worked over the past several years to “do better” in this area.
I put my information out there so people can find the information and digest it at a time when they are ready instead of trying to shove the information down their throats.
I try to remind myself of a time when I didn’t know what I know today and of views I once had that I now see were problematic, and I’ve let go.
Some people simply don’t know what I know… yet.
They will never know if I push people away (instead of calling them in).
Some people don't understand, for example, why Aspergers was removed from the diagnostic manuals, who Asperger's was, or why he was problematic.
Other people don't know the troublesome history of the puzzle piece symbol, its meaning, or the past harm from those who use it.
Some people out there still think Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) or NeuroDivergent Conversion Therapies are a good thing because they don’t understand the harm that can come (to people of any brain type) from the use of behavioral modification programs.
There are still people out there who don't know they are Autistic, what meltdowns are, about stimming, or "the deal with eye contact." Similarly, there are ADHDers out there who don't know what ADHD is.
Learning when you’re curious is easier than trying to learn while afraid.
Rather than shaming people for not knowing, I welcome them.
Trying to be a good example, I invite people to ask questions and share their perspectives, modeling curiosity (which is essential to learning).
I’m trying to be (and show) a better example of ways to create safe spaces by cultivating emotional safety so that people are more free and open to engaging, learning, and growing (because I’ve gotten it wrong in the past).
I didn’t always know how to be a safe person, but I’m doing my best to be better than I used to be.
I’m still learning… but we’re all still learning.
Learning is what life is all about.
In this capitalist hellscape, knowledge is the one thing they can’t take away from us. It has a value that is beyond dollar signs.
You don't know what you know until you know it, so in the coming weeks, I will be doing a "back to basics" series of Autism, ADHD, and NeuroDiversity 101.
I've already got a list of 101 topics I want to cover, but since I always want to teach for the benefit of my learners, I ask:
What topics would you like to see covered in this series?
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I hope this helps,
- Lyric
So this is something I have been struggling with as of late. My 16 year old daughter is autistic, and oftens uses the terms neurodivigent, neurospicy, etc. It's cool. My boss is an older boomer woman who was recently diagnosed with autism and so talks to me a lot about it because she doesn't have other people in this community. She became absolutely livid when I used the term neurodivergent. She actually called me a Nazi and said I was segmenting off a portion of the population for ridicule when in her mind everyone is neurodivergent and hence the term has no meaning. I don't know what to do with this. She is big mad at me and continues to bring it up. I know she's at the beginning of her learning journey. How do you work through that anger?
I was diagnosed in 1994, at the age of 13. I was the subject of a case study that proved that girls could have autism. This involved a trip to Madison where they did an MRI of my brain. Because back then, it was widely believed that girls simply could not have autism.
Despite being formally diagnosed at such a relatively young age, it was immediately clear that absolutely no one in my life intended to change anything about how they behaved toward me. I have been seeing the same shrink for my ADHD since I was 26; she does not and will not attempt to address my autism, nor has she ever provided me with resources for adults with autism because until very recently, there simply weren't any.
Anyway. As far as educating neurotypicals is concerned, I've always been happy to. They almost never actually listen, and when i get to the part where actually, *they're* the ones who should be making accommodations for us, they generally check out.
This is extremely important, if you haven't already seen it: https://neuroclastic.com/free-pdf-download-thin-slice-judgements-and-the-different-world-autistics-inhabit/